Killing the Monster of "Why Me?" Why I Celebrate Easter.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corin 9:24

Lately the Lord has been speaking to me about the race that my husband and I have been in for (if I had to put into calendar terms) 18 months. He's been specifically reminding me that we are in a marathon not a sprint. "Take it one day at a time. This is the day I have made for you. Rejoice in today knowing what's to come is worth rejoicing over as well. Ask Me for your daily bread. Live for today." But without Him this is impossible. The journey, the perseverance, the cries for breakthrough, the seeking His wisdom...still we have not yet seen that tangible breakthrough. But, He is my hope. My source of strength. My glass of refreshing water, the "replenisher" of  my soul and strength. I thanked Him recently for this abiding faith within me that keeps me going, even when I feel like quitting. But, He reminded me that I have it because I guard it, I water it, I feed it, He helps me to fight for it. "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God" (Rom. 10:17), so in order to do this, I need to hear from Him as much as possible every single day. 

To detail the race that we have been in, let me expound. We began our journey to having children in August of 2008. My husband was still in the military and we were living at West Point Military Academy. We knew we were supposed to end our time of active duty, but it could only be done with faith. Faith that God would show us what to do next. We would step out in faith and trust. We both felt that Chris was to apply to be a police officer. His father and his father's father were police officers. And unlike some family dynamics where the son has no choice but to follow certain patterned expectations in their family, Chris actually desired and dreamed of one day being a civilian police officer (he was a military police officer). We moved back to Texas in 2010 and God worked everything out for us rather quickly. I found a great job soon and Chris was able to apply and be hired by a police department shortly after his military pay ran out. But toward the end of 2011 things started shifting. He lost his job and we were devastated. But, I immediately heard the Lord say "I'm protecting him" as clear as day. We knew that God would provide and take care of us, still this was hard. Then in January of 2012, we found out something that would prove to push everything else aside...we were pregnant! But we lost our baby that March. Disappointment.Since then, my husband has been on countless interviews with all sorts of jobs and nothing has panned out. He has made it all the way to the very end where we all just knew this was it...just to find out after months of the interviewing process, he didn't get it. Disappointment. In my last blog I talked about how I am in the "deep end" with the Lord and because of this, He is asking me to deal with feelings that I have pushed aside. So many times I think "how can I do this? This is so hard!" And in my flesh I sometimes wonder "why?" "Why us?" "Why me?". "My husband is faithful and honorable in everything he does, You know that. I would make a good mother wouldn't I?" For anyone that has walked through a tough long season of testing,  I believe God wants to kill the monster of the "why me?" by answering that question for you, like He has for me. The enemy likes to make us feel like we're being punished or that something is wrong with us. LIES. He tries to steal our joy and make us fear hoping for the unseen for fear of disappointment. But God never lets us down. He's asked me to bring Him my questions and my disappointment. No more lies. 

I have been very blessed to be able to teach an equipping class at our church for 3rd and 4th grade girls. I always pray and ask the Lord to show me what He wants to show "us girls" each session and this session it has been "identity". Last week the Lord laid on my heart to have each girl sit in a princess chair that we have in one of our class rooms that has "always a princess" printed on it. After our discussion, each girl took turns sitting in the chair and the rest of us girls edified, encouraged and lifted her up in truth. The girls couldn't wait until it was their turn because just like we love and need encouragement as adults, so, so, SO do these precious girls. When we were done, I was ready to pray and the girls kept saying "Ms. Kyndl, it's your turn! You're next! You have to sit in the chair too!" I was very reluctant. I mean, what if someone walked in and saw me sitting on a "throne" with the girls I'm supposed to be teaching saying things to me?!"

 But they insisted saying "excuses, excuses" (3rd and 4th grade girls are very persistent). When I did, they said sweet things to me and that they liked my class, but one little girl spoke something directly from the Lord. She had already taken her turn to speak, but said "Wait, I have something else!" Not knowing ANYTHING that I have been recently walking through she said this: "Like, just even when bad things happen to you, you don't let it keep you down. You just....keep going...". She also mentioned about how I still love Jesus no matter what. My heart just started beating really fast as I tried to fight back tears. It was amazing. I asked the Lord to expound on this.

The next day, I was working with the children that come to church while their moms attend life group. Our speaker was giving the salvation message and my job was to just sort of do crowd control and help kids that need to go to the bathroom etc. So I get to pay attention, but with one ear on the kids. Sometimes because of this, I miss some things that he says. But the Lord made sure I heard one part. When he was talking about what Jesus endured that day, how gross and horrible it was...and how at any time He could have stopped. At any time, He could have said "I just can't do it. I change my mind"...but instead "He kept going". He used the same words the precious little one said about me. When it all came together for me, it was beyond humbling. "You think I don't know about perseverance? I am the one abiding in you. It's Me that is your abiding faith. I feel it all, My pain on the earth and yours. My pain on the earth that was for you." Whoah. Humbled. Churched. Schooled. However, you want to put it, I had it handed to me. But not in a condemning way, in a way filled with overwhelming love, overwhelming truth. He reminded me that there was a point to His perseverance and that I am no different. We are running this marathon together and the promises He has spoken were then created and are in full motion for my future. There is a greater purpose in all of this and as my husband and I continue to live each day counting our blessings and counting on Him, I am bubbling over with excitement because of the greatest act of perseverance ever demonstrated. And because of that I get to hope for things unseen. I get to have assurance of my future...not just in Heaven but on this earth. Joseph Prince said once that "believing in miracles honors what He did for us." He died so that we too could persevere. 

In the afternoons I get to work at an elementary school. There is a 2nd grade boy who has a little sister that has had leukemia and for the last couple of years (at least) has not been able to come in and be with the other children. I would watch her stand outside the glass door trying really hard to see what the children were doing and who the children were. She would longingly look through the window and wave to us. We so wanted
 to hug her, but we couldn't. She's now in kindergarten, and just as recently as a few weeks ago has been freed to come in and be with us and the children and will start in our program soon!  When she first came in the room, she didn't just walk in, she didn't hide behind mom, she ran in! She looked at all of the art stuff, played on the scooters, hugged her friends. I've never seen such a big and grateful smile on any child. Her hair is starting to grow back and honestly it's hard to think of anyone more beautiful. But talk about perseverance. Because of Him, we can believe for healing. Because of Him we can look through the glass door to our future with expectancy and anticipation. Even if the waiting part is hard. Seems lonely. Isn't how you thought things were going to go...His grace is sufficient for all. We can run and play now and when those doors of breakthrough are finally open, how much more grateful we will be now, knowing what it took to get there. How grateful I am for my Jesus, knowing what it took to get here. 

Jumping In and Killing Monsters with the Best of 'Em

I’m in rehab. You wouldn’t know it. I look just like you. Just like me. I still go about my days. I still go to the store. Serve in the church. Serve in my lifegroup. Am a wife. A daughter. A sister. An aunt. A friend. But, I’m in rehab. Spiritual rehab. The Lord has led me into the deep places of freedom and just like with any therapy, there is some discomfort. There is soreness in between sessions. There are places that He is prying open in my heart. Although, I personally have never been to a rehabilitation center, I know that this is rehab. Part of the medical definition for rehabilitation is: treatment of certain injuries; restoring capabilities that may have been lost during injuries. Having walked with Jesus for 25 years, there are areas that I have left undusted and therefore had forgotten that they were there because of the culmination of the elements. I have walked through experiences that have shaped me. And God is showing me that I instead need to let Him shape me through those experiences. When He knocked on the door to that secret place of my heart. I almost didn’t know which door it was. You see, no one ever knocked on that door. I went through the rooms of my heart, opening the doors as I carried myself through the maze of rooms. “Okay, not in here.” “Not this one either.” “Okay, so not the door of faith this time? Hmph. That’s usually where He’s knocking. But, I hear it. Where is it coming from?”  Trying to follow His all too familiar knock. I know that’s definitely Daddy at the door. “Daddy, which door are you trying to come through?!”. Then, I realized it. “Oh that door? I’d all but forgotten about this door. I’m going to have to make my way through the cobwebs and boxes stacked in front of it.” Then as I neared it, I felt dread. Not like scary dread. Like it’s the day before finals dread. I just want to get this over with and feel the relief that always comes afterward. But, I knew it wasn’t going to be as simple as that.  A wave of Truth came over me. “It’s time to deal, Kyndl.”  You see there was a door to my heart that needed to be unlocked. There was a place that I had kept worry and fear, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy that I had locked away refusing their company. But my Father knew, I needed to be free of those. I mean, when you put something in storage…eventually it has to come out. This is that day. Because I love and trust my Father, I said “Okay, Lord.” And asked Him to show me what I was so afraid of. Why was I so concerned? The Lord has spoken directly to the fear that I will not ever get to be a mother to an earthly baby. He’s spoken SO directly about His promises and has given me real hope. I asked Him to confirm these words…just because ( I guess it was the Gideon in me). He did. When I still felt too scared to fully believe that yes, this is happening. He told me “you don’t need another word from me. You just need to believe the one I’ve already given”. This is where my journey started. This #Killing Monsters movement happening right now is completely Spirit led. The lifegroup my husband and I are co-leading is even walking through a freedom curriculum through our church. God has opened the floodgates in me already and that was even before this movement. I believe this is a year of breakthrough and I asked the Lord to show me what was blocking me from fully receiving that His promises will in fact come to pass. “This is ridiculous” I thought. “I’m done, fighting it, Lord! I’m SO done!” This is when He showed me a parallel in my life.

When I was 7 years old. I went to church camp. At this point in life, I had no fear of water ( I didn’t even know there was a such thing), but an experience that summer reshaped me. My parents said I was fearless of water up until this point. I even took “water baby” classes, where they would put you in water in your early years of life and let you play and splash about. But, I began to develop ear infections, so my parents took me out of swim classes. Even remembering how truly painful the infections were, I still had no fear. So this particular summer in my 7^th year of life, I went for it. We were in a lake where I had been wearing a life jacket the majority of the time and with its help swam to a floating dock in the middle of the lake. I sat with my little friends and basked in the sun when many of the kids began jumping into the lake treading water. It looked super fun! So I decided to take off my life jacket and do just as they had. “I mean they can do it, so can I, right?” Not understanding at this time that there are lessons involved in treading water, I went for it. Only I had a hard time coming to the surface. It was much deeper than I expected. And, I was used to pools where I knew there was a bottom somewhere, and here there was no bottom…the panic began to set in. My friends had not realized that I was drowning at this point, but I tried to doggy paddle my way to the surface and when fear set in, began flailing about. Finally a little girl, 6 years old, at the time came to try to help me and she was struggling as well. I kept trying to yell, “Help! Help!” to the two lifeguards that were on duty. But, my mouth kept swallowing water. Finally they sensed something was wrong, but just kept looking at each other as if to say “Are you gonna go? Do you want me to go? Okay, which one of us is going?” The longer they made their decision the more I felt hopeless. Fear had a hold of me and I was drowning in it. Finally one of the lifeguards made her way to me and lifted me out of the water onto her shoulders. It was a difficult day for me. I didn’t expect that sort of thing to happen, but I let this little experience shape me. Looking back, I know I would have been okay because the lifeguards were so close by, but those seconds of not knowing and feeling like all was lost shaped me. As I write this closing in on my 32^nd year of life, I still struggle with this fear. And of course, I married into a “swim team” family who on all family trips to the lake look uniform in their flips, dives and treading water skills while I humorously inch my body onto a float, legs ungraciously in the air, body contorted in unflattering ways, as I hold onto the dock with one hand and try to get onto the float with my legs. The Lord showed me all of this and said “this is the year.” You see, it’s time for me to jump into the deep end with reckless abandon, trusting that He will be right next to me and not let me drown. Well, let me rephrase that: the only drowning that will be happening is in His grace. He asked me to picture myself  in a 15 foot deep end of the pool. Yeah, He couldn’t say “just picture yourself in a pool that is maybe 5’ or 6’", because He knows that is not a problem for my 5’ 2” height. I enjoy that depth and I’m even CPR certified to help others in case they have a problem. But “Oohh…that end?” He knew to say the “the deep end”. He asked me to walk myself through the experience of  jumping in and trying to swim to the top. He told me to tell Him all that I felt through every step. So I closed my eyes and pictured it. “ Okay my heart is beating really hard and fast and my stomach is in knots because I’m about to jump in.” “Good,” He says, “What’s next?” “I jump into the pool and panic sets in. It’s dark. I can’t breathe, the surface looks too far. I’m afraid I don’t have enough time to get to the top. I’m afraid I’m going to breathe in water and choke. But I’m swimming as fast as I can to the top. I finally make it, albeit exhausted and swim over to the nearest side of the pool to rest, breathing out deep breaths of relief.” “Okay, great job. This ends our first session. You did great!”. “Huh?” I thought, “that was it?!” There’s not going to be an added word to this, an added meaning? This is when I felt Him say, “You’ve just jumped into the deep end. You’re in it now, treading water with Me.”  So here I am. In the deep end with the Lord. It’s unfamiliar, and somehow comforting at the same time. I know breakthrough is the only way out. I don’t have a fear of heights, or flying and even though I don’t like spiders or snakes, at least, I can just run away from them. You could also say “ hey, I’m taking you sky diving tomorrow” and I’d think that was fun. But mention swimming in deep waters, white water rafting, canoeing, tubing…woah, woah, woah, hold the phone, shut the door, pull on the E brake, hands out in front me in a “keep your distance” stance, “what?”.   The only way to get through that is to swim through it. And I don’t like that so much. You see miscarriage, major job loss and other painful losses have shaped me. The Lord has walked me through it all and has been my “rod and my staff”. He has demonstrated miraculous, unwavering faithfulness and I sing to Him even louder with voices of triumph. But aww man, there is still some scarring. There are some injuries that need extra therapy. There are also old wounds of insecurity and self-doubt. He is the healer of my scars and loves me enough to not let me go another day with them. 1 John 4:8 says “His perfect love casts out fear”. And I love the story of David and Goliath-how fearless and trusting of God’s power David was. One comment I read on this story is that David didn’t see his giant (or “monster”)  as too big to deal with, instead he just saw him as a super easy target. Well, God is showing me some easy targets and we’re wading through the water together. The past year and a half for me have been about staring loss in the face and giving God the glory for all He is doing. After my rare ectopic miscarriage at 14 weeks- leading to life threatening surgery and the loss of  my husband’s job happening within months apart last year, I began a facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theliliesofthevalley?fref=ts  It’s all about TRUTH and encouragement. John 8:32 says “you shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you free.” I mentioned earlier that this movement is spirit led and “where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom” (2 Corin. 3:17) Do you have some secret places you may have forgotten about? He hasn’t. Do you want to jump in the deep end with me? Let’s have a swimming party together! During this journey a song that the Lord has placed on my heart is one by Jesus Culture called “One Thing”. In it, it  says “… I never, ever have to be a afraid because one thing remains…Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.” His love is enough. So I’m going to go ahead and trust His promises about me. I believe Marissa recently posted something along the lines of "The thing the enemy is trying to make us afraid of is indeed the very thing we must do". So, I’m just gonna go ahead and have me some kids, write me some books, be an awesome wife and lay down my insecurities because He is my Truth. When things are all said and done, I will be able to tread water on my own both spiritually and literally (I've asked my husband to help face this fear and teach me!). Knowing that my Father will always be holding my hand. I'm going to have my own pool party...in the deep end.