Experiences

"Yeah in this wasteland where I'm livin' There is a crack in the door filled with light...if God is on my side, who can be against me?" - "Wasteland" (NeedtoBreathe)

"Praise, we sing praise; we fill the sky with songs from our hearts. Praise, we sing praise till enemies know how faithful You are, oh God." - "Walls" (Cody Carnes)

"Your Name is Higher, Your Name is Greater, all my hope is in You. Your Word unfailing, Your promise unshaken. All my hope is in You."- "Anchor" (Hillsong)

"I know Who goes before me, I know Who stands behind, the God of Angel Armies, is always by my side." - "Whom Shall I Fear?" (Chris Tomlin)

"Even in the why, in the middle of the night, I say that You are good. Though my prayers are heard, the response is Yours, God, and You are good. Sorrow may last the whole night, but joy comes in the morning light. You are good and You never change, God. You are good and You never change Your ways." - "You Never Change" (Rita Springer)

So there are experiences and then there are THOSE experiences. I’ve heard it said that “experience is the best teacher”. I think I understand the underlying sentiment, however I respectfully disagree. There are plenty of things that I would have rather learned my lesson through other people’s experiences and saved myself some unnecessary heartache. And then there are life situations that I didn’t ask to experience, and would have loved to learn my lesson ANY other way if it were possible. It’s not the experience itself that should shape our outlook or opinion, especially if we’re basing it on another’s misgivings and imperfections and injustices. I firmly, wholeheartedly and with conviction believe we need not let our experiences shape us, but let GOD shape us through our experiences. And I came to this conclusion...well through some God-shaping experiences. 

For example, 1.) I’m a military wife (shout out to all you military wives who are killin’ it!). My husband deployed to Iraq after us only being married 5 months. Our first year of marriage was spent mostly apart. We even missed our first Christmas together as a married couple (for which my grandmother gave us an “our first Christmas together” ornament our second year of marriage, because…it was our first to be physically together. She was cute like that.) Listen, in case you didn’t know-there are many, many, many, many (shall I go on?) reasons to complain when you’re a military wife. But, what God taught me through the years of active duty was: flexibility (I desperately needed it!); the truth that we are not actually in control-God is in control; you can literally make ANY house a home- Whether it’s a tiny green house with brown carpet, or a house built in the 1800’s (which I’m pretty sure still had some lead paint) that faced century and a half old cemetery; the power and importance of me being a praying wife; that no matter what disagreement you might have with your husband- you will let it go because at the end of the day HE’s HOME and not at war.

-That wasn’t our only challenging season, but what God taught us then, I believe, helped prepare us for the following:

2.) Job-loss: You most importantly learn HU-MI-LI-TY; how to be TRULY content; where your joy truly comes from and that the joy of the Lord is absolutely your strength; that God is your source and provider; that God is faithful; that you can make your home look and feel "homey" on pretty much no money, (as learned in experience 1); that He still does miracles today; that He goes before us and prepares a way where there is absolutely no way.

3.) Through Disease: That God still heals!; That God still does miracles; That He is absolutely your strength; that His Word is alive and active and sharper than any 2 edged sword (or even than the “sharpest shark’s tooth” as one little girl at church recently said); That I’m a warrior; that we are overcomers; that there is POWER in the Name of Jesus and through our prayers in His Name!; that we are blanketed with friends, family and prayer warriors that fight our battles with us. And many, many more, countless revelations…

4.) Through Miscarriage and Infertility: It’s hard to compare each struggle we face in life. I’m sure you have those years that were just the worst and you just couldn’t wait for them to be over. You were ready for a new year, a new season and God gifted you with faith and hope for what awaited you. For me, that year was 2012. I’m just being totally vulnerable and honest with you, I hated that year. After trying for 4 years to have a baby, we finally were pregnant at the end of 2011/beginning of 2012. I look back on that time as such a whirlwind. I found out kind of late, but we still got to experience many things we had dreamed about. I finally got to see a POSITIVE pregnancy test, we got to hear our baby’s heartbeat, we got to see our baby, get a picture of him (that we get to keep forever) and see him moving like crazy. I was walking on air after that appointment. But it wasn’t too long after that, we had a polar opposite doctor’s appointment. No heartbeat. No movement. And the words that will always ring in my memory: “This baby has passed.” Although, I have many times before, I won’t go into the crazy details of that pregnancy and the crazy surgery that I had to have, merely for time’s sake. “This happens to less than 1% of women in the world. We only read about this in text books,” he said. I remember feeling like my body was broken, but my heart even more so. I will never forget being wheeled out in the line with all of the “new mothers” holding their babies, while I only carried my “cough pillow”. Chris remembers pulling up in the car lane in the “new dads” line and us leaving without a baby. My arms had never felt so empty and my heart had never been filled with more questions.

See, I go back to what I said at the start: We MUST let GOD shape us through our experiences. It was quite a journey and if I’m being honest, like I said before I hated that year. But, what God began in my heart, the joy that slowly began to replace the mourning, the ashes that He began to beautify, the strength that slowly started coming back, the restoration that we began to see, the feet that were rooted and planted in hope, the streams that began to show up in wilderness places, the overcomers that began to emerge in us, I'm grateful for what began to take shape in us that year. All of His Word was tested in these days and proven true. We are still walking it out, and we are still planted in hope. Among even recent super negative doctor’s reports, I take those facts and lay them down at the place the promise was made. My God is not limited to negative doctor’s reports (as learned in experience number 3) and I refuse to put Him in a box. He makes a way, where there seems to be absolutely no way (as learned in experience 2) I have walked through miscarriage, I have walked through 7 years of patiently (or not so patiently) waiting, praying, believing, declaring, hoping,and  trusting for children. There have been and still are tears, there is still frustration, there are still days, I don't particularly feel like dealing with it, but by God's grace alone the face you see is (albeit sometimes tired), one of an  “Overcomer”.

I’m so grateful to be able to see just a “glimpse” of how God is interweaving our story. How He prepared us through teaching us and strengthening us in advance. And continues to.

I love what was recently said at our church that when God defeats the enemy, He loves to publicly shame him. So that’s what I’m doing today. We may weep, but it lasts for a night; we may feel weary, but His strength carries us; we may not have words sometimes, but His Word says it all; we may not have it “in us” some days, but He carries us; we may lack faith some days, but He gifts us with it; we may feel tired some days, but He says “it’s okay, I’ve got this one.” If you experienced miscarriage, I am so, so sorry and I honor you and your angel babies with you today. And if you’re like me and you’re still waiting for your earthly littles, take heart, take courage, He has overcome the world, so that you can overcome anything. He sees every tear and I love what a beautiful woman of God (Charlotte Gambill)  recently said, "He will take a seed from your sorrow and plant it in your promise tomorrow." He will be faithful and your land WILL reap its harvest. (Ps. 85:12)

It is Well.

"Far be it from me, to not believe. Even when my eyes can't see. And this mountain that's in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. And through it all, it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You and it is well with me. 

So, let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His Name."- "It is Well"- Bethel Worship

The lyrics to this song echo throughout my entire being as if my soul unifies and in one chorus sings. I heard it for the first time over a year ago and it's just one that flows from my heart steadily. When your entire being wants to move forward, but God says "wait". When your heart asks "now?" And your Father gently says "not yet." And when in the same turn, your heart screams, "I can't do this, I'm not ready!" He lovingly says, "yes, you are" and pushes you in... You learn the importance of keeping your eyes fixated on the One who is absolutely infatuated with you. You learn that He will not let you down, and would never set you up for failure.
I've taken some time to do a heart check this week, It's a good time since Mother's Day is in just a couple of days! I'm grateful to celebrate moms, especially mine, but my heart hurts for those that will be missing theirs this year. My heart aches for those, who like me, have empty arms. There's just something I can't explain that happens when your soul responds before you've had time to process it.

This year, we're going on our 7th year of trying for an earthly baby and our 10th year of marriage (woot! woot!). There's just something so profound, something so telling, when God trusts you to wait on His perfect timing. Through all that we have been through over the last few years, God has shown Himself faithful, God has shown Himself powerful, God has shown Himself GOOD. So who am I to disagree with His perfect timing? I may not like it, but He reminds me all the time that He knows that I don't like it... because He made me. When you have to walk through the fire as terrible as it is- it's nothing compared to walking out of it not even smelling of smoke. It's nothing compared to entering the fire, covered in rust and coming out refined. We don't want to wait for things, we want the testimony without the trial. But, it's in the trial, it's in the midst of the storm that we have the opportunity to see Jesus in a way we would never have before. We get to see the miraculous, we get to grow up, we get to lean in, it's where our ears learn how to tune into His voice.  It's where we let Him take our brokenness and multiply it into a life saving, heart altering ministry. If. We. Let. Him.

 He is after our hearts. We choose where our fixation lies. What a beautiful Love Letter, His Word is to us. And we have the opportunity to have a firm foundation that no matter what storms come, we will not break. We will breakthrough. I've learned that keeping the eyes of my heart on My Father and Who He is, has not always been easy as natural circumstances try to compete for their attention. It's something I have to be intentional about. But, it gets easier and His grace is so sufficient. You learn to wait, you learn to be slow to speak and quick to forgive, you learn to see people through His eyes and past their rudeness, and perhaps uncouth behavior to the brokenness. We all want to do our part and it's up to us to start with ourselves. We won't extend grace to others, if we can't extend grace to ourselves. We won't forgive others, if we can't forgive ourselves. We won't stop judging others, if we won't stop condemning ourselves. You see the pattern? So for me, I choose to extend myself grace, I choose to receive forgiveness and I choose to see myself the way God sees me. And He calls me "mother."

We all have our journey, and I sometimes think that people look at the walk Chris and I have had and think that it has been easy and that we're just strong people. But, I have to dispel this myth today. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it. It has not been our strength, but it has been His strength working through us. If anyone doesn't see that, then I haven't given enough glory to my Father. So, I'm doing this today! Whatever your journey is, you can do it! Keep running your race. You're doing such a great job. And I am cheering you on. His timing is perfect.

This is the first Mother's Day in a long time, where I don't feel dread. Instead, I feel seen. I feel hope. I'm encouraged by my ever-faithful Father that "when my baby is born, I will forget my pain, because of my joy" both physically and spiritually. You see, I face the temptation just like you. I have friends and family that were pregnant at the same time as me and I see their little adorable cheeks, chunky toddler legs and, yes I think about how ours would be 2 1/2 right now. This is the same for any mom that has suffered this loss. You will think about it sometimes. I sometimes still have to prepare my heart to shop in the baby section at Target and I definitely cry at all those cute diaper commercials (and laugh at the "all about that bass" one). I love children! It's my heart, my ministry, my joy. And yes, I do often feel like a mother without her child. I've actually recently just had surgery, and we're waiting on God to tell us whether to have another more intrusive surgery or work with a specialist, OR just wait. I have days where I'm frustrated for sure. But, I'm not anxious, we are covered by His grace and when you're in the fire, your teacher is "Contentment."

I just know that none of it compares to what my God is doing behind the scenes. It's just a season. We've actually had tougher, if you can believe that! I almost lost my life, Chris almost lost his. We've had financial hardships. But honestly, through it all He's been faithful! I can show you our bank account then and now, I can show our scars then and now. It's the truth! He's a restoring, redeeming God who is currently using what hasn't broken us, to break and sever what the enemy meant for evil. What we've tasted and seen is so very good.

So this year, I continue to sow. I rejoice with mothers and mothers-to-be. I will throw baby showers, I will pray for healthy babies and children and for grace for the mamas out there. I will encourage and lift them up and remind them that they're doing better then they think they are. I will speak the life over them that they so desperately need, I will babysit so you can have your date night, I will believe for you to have that baby you've been crying out to God for. I will pray that God restores your broken heart and blesses your marriage/brings you a husband. I will continue to do my part because it is my JOY! But, not because of my own strength, but because of His. You see, Chris and I are completely convinced that Who He is, is more than enough for us and more than enough for you.

There's so much joy to be had in the journey, there's so much peace that flows like a river, if we would only resist the temptation to busy ourselves with the natural when the supernatural is way more exciting. It is well with me.
Happy Mother's Day!