"Far be it from me, to not believe. Even when my eyes can't see. And this mountain that's in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. And through it all, it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You and it is well with me.
So, let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His Name."- "It is Well"- Bethel Worship
The lyrics to this song echo throughout my entire being as if my soul unifies and in one chorus sings. I heard it for the first time over a year ago and it's just one that flows from my heart steadily. When your entire being wants to move forward, but God says "wait". When your heart asks "now?" And your Father gently says "not yet." And when in the same turn, your heart screams, "I can't do this, I'm not ready!" He lovingly says, "yes, you are" and pushes you in... You learn the importance of keeping your eyes fixated on the One who is absolutely infatuated with you. You learn that He will not let you down, and would never set you up for failure.
I've taken some time to do a heart check this week, It's a good time since Mother's Day is in just a couple of days! I'm grateful to celebrate moms, especially mine, but my heart hurts for those that will be missing theirs this year. My heart aches for those, who like me, have empty arms. There's just something I can't explain that happens when your soul responds before you've had time to process it.
This year, we're going on our 7th year of trying for an earthly baby and our 10th year of marriage (woot! woot!). There's just something so profound, something so telling, when God trusts you to wait on His perfect timing. Through all that we have been through over the last few years, God has shown Himself faithful, God has shown Himself powerful, God has shown Himself GOOD. So who am I to disagree with His perfect timing? I may not like it, but He reminds me all the time that He knows that I don't like it... because He made me. When you have to walk through the fire as terrible as it is- it's nothing compared to walking out of it not even smelling of smoke. It's nothing compared to entering the fire, covered in rust and coming out refined. We don't want to wait for things, we want the testimony without the trial. But, it's in the trial, it's in the midst of the storm that we have the opportunity to see Jesus in a way we would never have before. We get to see the miraculous, we get to grow up, we get to lean in, it's where our ears learn how to tune into His voice. It's where we let Him take our brokenness and multiply it into a life saving, heart altering ministry. If. We. Let. Him.
He is after our hearts. We choose where our fixation lies. What a beautiful Love Letter, His Word is to us. And we have the opportunity to have a firm foundation that no matter what storms come, we will not break. We will breakthrough. I've learned that keeping the eyes of my heart on My Father and Who He is, has not always been easy as natural circumstances try to compete for their attention. It's something I have to be intentional about. But, it gets easier and His grace is so sufficient. You learn to wait, you learn to be slow to speak and quick to forgive, you learn to see people through His eyes and past their rudeness, and perhaps uncouth behavior to the brokenness. We all want to do our part and it's up to us to start with ourselves. We won't extend grace to others, if we can't extend grace to ourselves. We won't forgive others, if we can't forgive ourselves. We won't stop judging others, if we won't stop condemning ourselves. You see the pattern? So for me, I choose to extend myself grace, I choose to receive forgiveness and I choose to see myself the way God sees me. And He calls me "mother."
We all have our journey, and I sometimes think that people look at the walk Chris and I have had and think that it has been easy and that we're just strong people. But, I have to dispel this myth today. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it. It has not been our strength, but it has been His strength working through us. If anyone doesn't see that, then I haven't given enough glory to my Father. So, I'm doing this today! Whatever your journey is, you can do it! Keep running your race. You're doing such a great job. And I am cheering you on. His timing is perfect.
This is the first Mother's Day in a long time, where I don't feel dread. Instead, I feel seen. I feel hope. I'm encouraged by my ever-faithful Father that "when my baby is born, I will forget my pain, because of my joy" both physically and spiritually. You see, I face the temptation just like you. I have friends and family that were pregnant at the same time as me and I see their little adorable cheeks, chunky toddler legs and, yes I think about how ours would be 2 1/2 right now. This is the same for any mom that has suffered this loss. You will think about it sometimes. I sometimes still have to prepare my heart to shop in the baby section at Target and I definitely cry at all those cute diaper commercials (and laugh at the "all about that bass" one). I love children! It's my heart, my ministry, my joy. And yes, I do often feel like a mother without her child. I've actually recently just had surgery, and we're waiting on God to tell us whether to have another more intrusive surgery or work with a specialist, OR just wait. I have days where I'm frustrated for sure. But, I'm not anxious, we are covered by His grace and when you're in the fire, your teacher is "Contentment."
I just know that none of it compares to what my God is doing behind the scenes. It's just a season. We've actually had tougher, if you can believe that! I almost lost my life, Chris almost lost his. We've had financial hardships. But honestly, through it all He's been faithful! I can show you our bank account then and now, I can show our scars then and now. It's the truth! He's a restoring, redeeming God who is currently using what hasn't broken us, to break and sever what the enemy meant for evil. What we've tasted and seen is so very good.
So this year, I continue to sow. I rejoice with mothers and mothers-to-be. I will throw baby showers, I will pray for healthy babies and children and for grace for the mamas out there. I will encourage and lift them up and remind them that they're doing better then they think they are. I will speak the life over them that they so desperately need, I will babysit so you can have your date night, I will believe for you to have that baby you've been crying out to God for. I will pray that God restores your broken heart and blesses your marriage/brings you a husband. I will continue to do my part because it is my JOY! But, not because of my own strength, but because of His. You see, Chris and I are completely convinced that Who He is, is more than enough for us and more than enough for you.
There's so much joy to be had in the journey, there's so much peace that flows like a river, if we would only resist the temptation to busy ourselves with the natural when the supernatural is way more exciting. It is well with me.
Happy Mother's Day!
