Killing the Monster of "Why Me?" Why I Celebrate Easter.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corin 9:24

Lately the Lord has been speaking to me about the race that my husband and I have been in for (if I had to put into calendar terms) 18 months. He's been specifically reminding me that we are in a marathon not a sprint. "Take it one day at a time. This is the day I have made for you. Rejoice in today knowing what's to come is worth rejoicing over as well. Ask Me for your daily bread. Live for today." But without Him this is impossible. The journey, the perseverance, the cries for breakthrough, the seeking His wisdom...still we have not yet seen that tangible breakthrough. But, He is my hope. My source of strength. My glass of refreshing water, the "replenisher" of  my soul and strength. I thanked Him recently for this abiding faith within me that keeps me going, even when I feel like quitting. But, He reminded me that I have it because I guard it, I water it, I feed it, He helps me to fight for it. "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God" (Rom. 10:17), so in order to do this, I need to hear from Him as much as possible every single day. 

To detail the race that we have been in, let me expound. We began our journey to having children in August of 2008. My husband was still in the military and we were living at West Point Military Academy. We knew we were supposed to end our time of active duty, but it could only be done with faith. Faith that God would show us what to do next. We would step out in faith and trust. We both felt that Chris was to apply to be a police officer. His father and his father's father were police officers. And unlike some family dynamics where the son has no choice but to follow certain patterned expectations in their family, Chris actually desired and dreamed of one day being a civilian police officer (he was a military police officer). We moved back to Texas in 2010 and God worked everything out for us rather quickly. I found a great job soon and Chris was able to apply and be hired by a police department shortly after his military pay ran out. But toward the end of 2011 things started shifting. He lost his job and we were devastated. But, I immediately heard the Lord say "I'm protecting him" as clear as day. We knew that God would provide and take care of us, still this was hard. Then in January of 2012, we found out something that would prove to push everything else aside...we were pregnant! But we lost our baby that March. Disappointment.Since then, my husband has been on countless interviews with all sorts of jobs and nothing has panned out. He has made it all the way to the very end where we all just knew this was it...just to find out after months of the interviewing process, he didn't get it. Disappointment. In my last blog I talked about how I am in the "deep end" with the Lord and because of this, He is asking me to deal with feelings that I have pushed aside. So many times I think "how can I do this? This is so hard!" And in my flesh I sometimes wonder "why?" "Why us?" "Why me?". "My husband is faithful and honorable in everything he does, You know that. I would make a good mother wouldn't I?" For anyone that has walked through a tough long season of testing,  I believe God wants to kill the monster of the "why me?" by answering that question for you, like He has for me. The enemy likes to make us feel like we're being punished or that something is wrong with us. LIES. He tries to steal our joy and make us fear hoping for the unseen for fear of disappointment. But God never lets us down. He's asked me to bring Him my questions and my disappointment. No more lies. 

I have been very blessed to be able to teach an equipping class at our church for 3rd and 4th grade girls. I always pray and ask the Lord to show me what He wants to show "us girls" each session and this session it has been "identity". Last week the Lord laid on my heart to have each girl sit in a princess chair that we have in one of our class rooms that has "always a princess" printed on it. After our discussion, each girl took turns sitting in the chair and the rest of us girls edified, encouraged and lifted her up in truth. The girls couldn't wait until it was their turn because just like we love and need encouragement as adults, so, so, SO do these precious girls. When we were done, I was ready to pray and the girls kept saying "Ms. Kyndl, it's your turn! You're next! You have to sit in the chair too!" I was very reluctant. I mean, what if someone walked in and saw me sitting on a "throne" with the girls I'm supposed to be teaching saying things to me?!"

 But they insisted saying "excuses, excuses" (3rd and 4th grade girls are very persistent). When I did, they said sweet things to me and that they liked my class, but one little girl spoke something directly from the Lord. She had already taken her turn to speak, but said "Wait, I have something else!" Not knowing ANYTHING that I have been recently walking through she said this: "Like, just even when bad things happen to you, you don't let it keep you down. You just....keep going...". She also mentioned about how I still love Jesus no matter what. My heart just started beating really fast as I tried to fight back tears. It was amazing. I asked the Lord to expound on this.

The next day, I was working with the children that come to church while their moms attend life group. Our speaker was giving the salvation message and my job was to just sort of do crowd control and help kids that need to go to the bathroom etc. So I get to pay attention, but with one ear on the kids. Sometimes because of this, I miss some things that he says. But the Lord made sure I heard one part. When he was talking about what Jesus endured that day, how gross and horrible it was...and how at any time He could have stopped. At any time, He could have said "I just can't do it. I change my mind"...but instead "He kept going". He used the same words the precious little one said about me. When it all came together for me, it was beyond humbling. "You think I don't know about perseverance? I am the one abiding in you. It's Me that is your abiding faith. I feel it all, My pain on the earth and yours. My pain on the earth that was for you." Whoah. Humbled. Churched. Schooled. However, you want to put it, I had it handed to me. But not in a condemning way, in a way filled with overwhelming love, overwhelming truth. He reminded me that there was a point to His perseverance and that I am no different. We are running this marathon together and the promises He has spoken were then created and are in full motion for my future. There is a greater purpose in all of this and as my husband and I continue to live each day counting our blessings and counting on Him, I am bubbling over with excitement because of the greatest act of perseverance ever demonstrated. And because of that I get to hope for things unseen. I get to have assurance of my future...not just in Heaven but on this earth. Joseph Prince said once that "believing in miracles honors what He did for us." He died so that we too could persevere. 

In the afternoons I get to work at an elementary school. There is a 2nd grade boy who has a little sister that has had leukemia and for the last couple of years (at least) has not been able to come in and be with the other children. I would watch her stand outside the glass door trying really hard to see what the children were doing and who the children were. She would longingly look through the window and wave to us. We so wanted
 to hug her, but we couldn't. She's now in kindergarten, and just as recently as a few weeks ago has been freed to come in and be with us and the children and will start in our program soon!  When she first came in the room, she didn't just walk in, she didn't hide behind mom, she ran in! She looked at all of the art stuff, played on the scooters, hugged her friends. I've never seen such a big and grateful smile on any child. Her hair is starting to grow back and honestly it's hard to think of anyone more beautiful. But talk about perseverance. Because of Him, we can believe for healing. Because of Him we can look through the glass door to our future with expectancy and anticipation. Even if the waiting part is hard. Seems lonely. Isn't how you thought things were going to go...His grace is sufficient for all. We can run and play now and when those doors of breakthrough are finally open, how much more grateful we will be now, knowing what it took to get there. How grateful I am for my Jesus, knowing what it took to get here. 

Jumping In and Killing Monsters with the Best of 'Em

I’m in rehab. You wouldn’t know it. I look just like you. Just like me. I still go about my days. I still go to the store. Serve in the church. Serve in my lifegroup. Am a wife. A daughter. A sister. An aunt. A friend. But, I’m in rehab. Spiritual rehab. The Lord has led me into the deep places of freedom and just like with any therapy, there is some discomfort. There is soreness in between sessions. There are places that He is prying open in my heart. Although, I personally have never been to a rehabilitation center, I know that this is rehab. Part of the medical definition for rehabilitation is: treatment of certain injuries; restoring capabilities that may have been lost during injuries. Having walked with Jesus for 25 years, there are areas that I have left undusted and therefore had forgotten that they were there because of the culmination of the elements. I have walked through experiences that have shaped me. And God is showing me that I instead need to let Him shape me through those experiences. When He knocked on the door to that secret place of my heart. I almost didn’t know which door it was. You see, no one ever knocked on that door. I went through the rooms of my heart, opening the doors as I carried myself through the maze of rooms. “Okay, not in here.” “Not this one either.” “Okay, so not the door of faith this time? Hmph. That’s usually where He’s knocking. But, I hear it. Where is it coming from?”  Trying to follow His all too familiar knock. I know that’s definitely Daddy at the door. “Daddy, which door are you trying to come through?!”. Then, I realized it. “Oh that door? I’d all but forgotten about this door. I’m going to have to make my way through the cobwebs and boxes stacked in front of it.” Then as I neared it, I felt dread. Not like scary dread. Like it’s the day before finals dread. I just want to get this over with and feel the relief that always comes afterward. But, I knew it wasn’t going to be as simple as that.  A wave of Truth came over me. “It’s time to deal, Kyndl.”  You see there was a door to my heart that needed to be unlocked. There was a place that I had kept worry and fear, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy that I had locked away refusing their company. But my Father knew, I needed to be free of those. I mean, when you put something in storage…eventually it has to come out. This is that day. Because I love and trust my Father, I said “Okay, Lord.” And asked Him to show me what I was so afraid of. Why was I so concerned? The Lord has spoken directly to the fear that I will not ever get to be a mother to an earthly baby. He’s spoken SO directly about His promises and has given me real hope. I asked Him to confirm these words…just because ( I guess it was the Gideon in me). He did. When I still felt too scared to fully believe that yes, this is happening. He told me “you don’t need another word from me. You just need to believe the one I’ve already given”. This is where my journey started. This #Killing Monsters movement happening right now is completely Spirit led. The lifegroup my husband and I are co-leading is even walking through a freedom curriculum through our church. God has opened the floodgates in me already and that was even before this movement. I believe this is a year of breakthrough and I asked the Lord to show me what was blocking me from fully receiving that His promises will in fact come to pass. “This is ridiculous” I thought. “I’m done, fighting it, Lord! I’m SO done!” This is when He showed me a parallel in my life.

When I was 7 years old. I went to church camp. At this point in life, I had no fear of water ( I didn’t even know there was a such thing), but an experience that summer reshaped me. My parents said I was fearless of water up until this point. I even took “water baby” classes, where they would put you in water in your early years of life and let you play and splash about. But, I began to develop ear infections, so my parents took me out of swim classes. Even remembering how truly painful the infections were, I still had no fear. So this particular summer in my 7^th year of life, I went for it. We were in a lake where I had been wearing a life jacket the majority of the time and with its help swam to a floating dock in the middle of the lake. I sat with my little friends and basked in the sun when many of the kids began jumping into the lake treading water. It looked super fun! So I decided to take off my life jacket and do just as they had. “I mean they can do it, so can I, right?” Not understanding at this time that there are lessons involved in treading water, I went for it. Only I had a hard time coming to the surface. It was much deeper than I expected. And, I was used to pools where I knew there was a bottom somewhere, and here there was no bottom…the panic began to set in. My friends had not realized that I was drowning at this point, but I tried to doggy paddle my way to the surface and when fear set in, began flailing about. Finally a little girl, 6 years old, at the time came to try to help me and she was struggling as well. I kept trying to yell, “Help! Help!” to the two lifeguards that were on duty. But, my mouth kept swallowing water. Finally they sensed something was wrong, but just kept looking at each other as if to say “Are you gonna go? Do you want me to go? Okay, which one of us is going?” The longer they made their decision the more I felt hopeless. Fear had a hold of me and I was drowning in it. Finally one of the lifeguards made her way to me and lifted me out of the water onto her shoulders. It was a difficult day for me. I didn’t expect that sort of thing to happen, but I let this little experience shape me. Looking back, I know I would have been okay because the lifeguards were so close by, but those seconds of not knowing and feeling like all was lost shaped me. As I write this closing in on my 32^nd year of life, I still struggle with this fear. And of course, I married into a “swim team” family who on all family trips to the lake look uniform in their flips, dives and treading water skills while I humorously inch my body onto a float, legs ungraciously in the air, body contorted in unflattering ways, as I hold onto the dock with one hand and try to get onto the float with my legs. The Lord showed me all of this and said “this is the year.” You see, it’s time for me to jump into the deep end with reckless abandon, trusting that He will be right next to me and not let me drown. Well, let me rephrase that: the only drowning that will be happening is in His grace. He asked me to picture myself  in a 15 foot deep end of the pool. Yeah, He couldn’t say “just picture yourself in a pool that is maybe 5’ or 6’", because He knows that is not a problem for my 5’ 2” height. I enjoy that depth and I’m even CPR certified to help others in case they have a problem. But “Oohh…that end?” He knew to say the “the deep end”. He asked me to walk myself through the experience of  jumping in and trying to swim to the top. He told me to tell Him all that I felt through every step. So I closed my eyes and pictured it. “ Okay my heart is beating really hard and fast and my stomach is in knots because I’m about to jump in.” “Good,” He says, “What’s next?” “I jump into the pool and panic sets in. It’s dark. I can’t breathe, the surface looks too far. I’m afraid I don’t have enough time to get to the top. I’m afraid I’m going to breathe in water and choke. But I’m swimming as fast as I can to the top. I finally make it, albeit exhausted and swim over to the nearest side of the pool to rest, breathing out deep breaths of relief.” “Okay, great job. This ends our first session. You did great!”. “Huh?” I thought, “that was it?!” There’s not going to be an added word to this, an added meaning? This is when I felt Him say, “You’ve just jumped into the deep end. You’re in it now, treading water with Me.”  So here I am. In the deep end with the Lord. It’s unfamiliar, and somehow comforting at the same time. I know breakthrough is the only way out. I don’t have a fear of heights, or flying and even though I don’t like spiders or snakes, at least, I can just run away from them. You could also say “ hey, I’m taking you sky diving tomorrow” and I’d think that was fun. But mention swimming in deep waters, white water rafting, canoeing, tubing…woah, woah, woah, hold the phone, shut the door, pull on the E brake, hands out in front me in a “keep your distance” stance, “what?”.   The only way to get through that is to swim through it. And I don’t like that so much. You see miscarriage, major job loss and other painful losses have shaped me. The Lord has walked me through it all and has been my “rod and my staff”. He has demonstrated miraculous, unwavering faithfulness and I sing to Him even louder with voices of triumph. But aww man, there is still some scarring. There are some injuries that need extra therapy. There are also old wounds of insecurity and self-doubt. He is the healer of my scars and loves me enough to not let me go another day with them. 1 John 4:8 says “His perfect love casts out fear”. And I love the story of David and Goliath-how fearless and trusting of God’s power David was. One comment I read on this story is that David didn’t see his giant (or “monster”)  as too big to deal with, instead he just saw him as a super easy target. Well, God is showing me some easy targets and we’re wading through the water together. The past year and a half for me have been about staring loss in the face and giving God the glory for all He is doing. After my rare ectopic miscarriage at 14 weeks- leading to life threatening surgery and the loss of  my husband’s job happening within months apart last year, I began a facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theliliesofthevalley?fref=ts  It’s all about TRUTH and encouragement. John 8:32 says “you shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you free.” I mentioned earlier that this movement is spirit led and “where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom” (2 Corin. 3:17) Do you have some secret places you may have forgotten about? He hasn’t. Do you want to jump in the deep end with me? Let’s have a swimming party together! During this journey a song that the Lord has placed on my heart is one by Jesus Culture called “One Thing”. In it, it  says “… I never, ever have to be a afraid because one thing remains…Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.” His love is enough. So I’m going to go ahead and trust His promises about me. I believe Marissa recently posted something along the lines of "The thing the enemy is trying to make us afraid of is indeed the very thing we must do". So, I’m just gonna go ahead and have me some kids, write me some books, be an awesome wife and lay down my insecurities because He is my Truth. When things are all said and done, I will be able to tread water on my own both spiritually and literally (I've asked my husband to help face this fear and teach me!). Knowing that my Father will always be holding my hand. I'm going to have my own pool party...in the deep end. 

The Little Girl who Knew No Pain

I was listening to a radio sermon recently where the pastor was talking about a woman that he knew of who had a little girl with a rare disease. Where some or most diseases can cause some pain or discomfort. Her daughter’s disorder prevented her from feeling real physical pain. She had to have constant supervision because she could be bleeding and not even feel it or have burned herself badly and not really have been able to know it unless she looked. This actually became a source of worry and frustration for her mother who would cry out and pray to God that her daughter be able to feel pain the way she needed to. When I heard that it just struck me. I thought “wow”, most of the time parents pray that their children don’t have to experience pain. But here was this woman that understood the importance of feeling pain. Physical pain alerts us to something that needs medical attention. It lets us know when something isn’t right. I imagined this woman letting her daughter play in another room of their home and not having the confidence that her daughter would cry or run to her if she hurt herself. She would have to constantly be checking in on her. The only other option was to make sure she was clear of anything that could possibly hurt her. But anyone that has children or has worked with children can tell you that children can hurt themselves in ways you would not have even thought of! I love the assurance that if something is truly wrong, children will come to you and let you know. Whether they physically hurt themselves or even if someone hurt their feelings. Regardless, when something upsets their world, they will let you know. I was recently supervising some kindergarten girls when one of them came over to me just sobbing, with crocodile tears. I asked her what was wrong. After finally catching her breath, she blurted out : they won’t let me be PINK!”. I then had to make what I could out of that sentence. Clearly she and the other girls were pretending to be ponies or unicorns or something and the others banded together and decided that she in fact did not have the wherewithal needed to take on the role of the “pink” one. Of course, as adults we can look at this situation and roll our eyes and think, “okay, there are seriously bigger problems in the world”. But to this little one, this was the biggest problem in her world at that moment. Her feelings were clearly hurt and she didn’t understand why the other girls would tag team on her. After much discussion about hurt feelings, we settled on one girl being the “neon pink” one, one was the “light pink” one and one was the “dark pink” one. To my relief it ended there with a unique shade of pink for all! Of course there are many, many stories around the world everyday like this. But to be honest, they are not just with kindergarteners.Many might look at that situation and say "she just needs to understand that we don't always get our way". But if that was so easy, we wouldn't struggle with disappointment. We always want things to go our way! When we feel that something has upset our world, we go to someone about it and we feel something. Usually it is underscored with some type of pain. There are small amounts of pain and discomfort, and there is heart wrenching, excruciating, fall on your face pain as well. Regardless of the degree, we will or have felt it. The Word says “ Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” in James 1:2. It also says “ in John 16:33: “ I have said these things to you, that in me you have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart for I have overcome the world.” I love the part that says we will find our peace in Him. This was the next thing that God showed me. Back to the little girl with the disorder: for any of us that ever went  to the pediatrician when we had the flu or had mom or grandma make us soup when we were home sick from school.... or for us even as adults, those of us with husbands ( who finally learned after a few years of marriage) that know what to do for us when we finally give in to the unwanted fact that we are indeed ailing... we have known comfort. Now is it possible that with this little girl, there is a part of her that is missing out on that? If you don’t know warning signs in your body that you are about to be sick, and don’t feel the physical strife from that, you don’t understand the greatness of the comfort being given to you. In fact, if it were me, I’d probably be frustrated that I was being told to lay down or elevate my leg. Is it possible then for us to need to go through certain things and experience pain to know the experience of true comfort? Have you ever been on a vacation after a long year and just been in heaven? You understood the blessing of having someone wait on you for a change and getting sleep as long as you want and not have to make the bed. If you never worked or did anything, you wouldn’t know the blessing of that vacation. As much as we hate pain, it is part of a fallen world. But the God of comfort is here to say “ in ME you will have peace.” I firmly believe that if we didn’t feel pain, we wouldn’t be living a full life. There is a song I know that says in its chorus “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all”. Of course his context is different, but I can understand where he’s coming from. Chris and I have walked through a tough year and the Lord has shown us so much on the subject of pain and disappointment. Prior to that, life was pretty easy for a season I have to say! But He has truly shown us a deeper grace than we would have known otherwise. He has shown us comfort that resonates deeper in our soul than ever before. Of course, we would rather have not walked through what we have and I know many that have lost children, jobs, parents, and/or are experiencing marital turmoil and believe me, I would love to take all the pain away and make everything perfect. But if “He has made everything beautiful in His time” (Ecc. 3:11), maybe His time is not set in calendar years. I remember reading Todd Burpo’s “Heaven is For Real” where Colton Burpo’s time in Heaven was a long time to us based on everything he saw and did, but that Jesus told him it was only 3 earthly minutes! It sounds to me that if we saw things the way Jesus does, we could get a lot more done in a short amount of time! But, we’re always in a rush. I’ve caught myself being impatient in traffic even when I don’t have to be anywhere by a certain time! We want things done in our time, but it’s just not the way God is. When Chris was deployed that one year felt like 5 years! It felt like for EVER, but we have had 6 more of those years since then, that have seemed to fly by. I know friends that waited a long time to have children and those years seemed like centuries, but now that they have kids, they are so busy they have to refer to their journals to remember the details of those years. I believe the Mayans were intelligent people and that living in an orderly timeline is important, but I don’t think the Lord works within any box. Christine Caine, a wonderful woman of God, posted a quote recently on facebook that I re-posted that said “ Keep your head up, God gives the toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.” I totally believe this. He won’t give us anything we can’t handle. In Psalm 92:12, it says “the righteous shall flourish like the palm tree: he shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.” We are compared to strong trees that characteristically bend with the breeze, but don’t break. I’ve seen pictures of an aftermath of a hurricane in Florida where palm trees are bent all the way over to make an arch, but are still in the ground. Now I’m not gonna lie, when I thought about this, I said “ maybe I just don’t want to be a strong soldier. I’ll just stay in the background. Really, it’s okay, I don’t mind”. But much to my chagrin, I realized that it doesn’t work like that. In order to walk in fullness, we have to understand that we will face all kinds of trials, but the God of peace is here to comfort us. This weekend we are singing a song with the children at church about hope. It says “whether it rains or whether it pours, wherever I go, I will trust You, Lord. In the light of day, or in the dark of night, I will trust You, Lord with all my life. For my hope is where you are…” I definitely don’t like pain, I struggle with things that have happened or that I have seen happen and I don’t understand. But God doesn’t say we will understand everything. He does say that “those that wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength. Run and not be weary, walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31).

In light of everything that Chris and I have and continue to walk through, God has been faithful and we can call ourselves blessed. We would not have known or understood the amazing comfort and measure of grace that God has provided to us if we hadn’t run to Him with our problems or cried out to Him because we were hurt. I wish I could promise that there won’t be anymore trials, we have met our deductible, so the rest won’t cost us. But I know there is more grace and more hope and more strength and empowerment on the way. One of the things we have been thankful for with the loss of our little one is that he is safe with Jesus. He will never know pain! But why we are thankful for that is because in place of that, He knows the most amazing, unfathomable ,unimaginable, perfect love that we will ever know and to its FULLNESS. ‘Certainly more, than we could have provided him here on the earth. When we run to our Father with our hurts and truly give them to Him, He replaces it with more of Himself. He doesn’t just put a band-aid on it.  When those “easy” seasons come, we will be living even more fully because we know Him more fully. Someone once recently told me, “when you don’t see His hand. Trust His heart.” I would love to say I have victory in every area of this, but I am walking it out myself. So I am asking for prayers through this season as I definitely have hard days. (I would love to pray for you too, so def send me a message!) There is much Chris and I are praying for and much we are waiting for, but I know Him more fully and that's really what it's all about. 

A Word to the "Why's?"

Little boy: "Why are we not allowed to play that game on the computer anymore?"
Me: "It's just not allowed anymore."
Little boy: "Why is it not allowed?"
Me: "The teachers feel that it is not the most appropriate game. We found some things on there we don't like."
Little boy: "But, what if I just don't go on those parts?"
Me: "There's too much temptation and even if you were good about it, not everyone would be."
Little boy: "but..."
Me: "I'm sorry, but there's nothing you can say to change it, the decision is made."
Little boy: "but why? "
Me: "I already told you. "
Little boy: "but why?"
Me: "We're not doing this."
Little boy: "but why?!"
Me: "There's no reason to argue, there are plenty of other things to do"...
Little boy: "why?!!"

This is a conversation I had with a boy during summer camp one year. The quotations are used loosely, but it's the general conversation. There were many more dialogues similar to that one about many different topics. Children get really frustrated when they don't understand something. I try to help them understand the best I can, but sometimes it's best they just obey and trust. I, in my human form, try my best to be patient and see things from their perspective, but it's not always easy. I forget what it was like to be that young sometimes and the curiosity that abides with adolescence.
What is ironic about that is, I do the same thing as an adult. SO I really needn't try to find memories from my childhood, but think about how I felt yesterday about something I didn't understand and wanted answers to.
Chris deals with this on a regular basis. Multiple times, he will have to deal with underage drinkers, dwi's..etc... where the person doesn't understand why they are being arrested or ticketed. (Mostly because they are out of it), but also because they feel they should get away with it.  So realistically, since ultimately we are all still children, the questions never go away. The difference is,however, the more developed one becomes, the more knowledge they acquire on how to find answers. It's a person's choice to seek answers, or to become educated. Right now with the DOW plunging 400 some odd points this week, with an economic downfall, with riots happening as far across the waters as London, people are finding some boldness to ask some questions. It may not always be in the right way, but they are asking. They are wanting to be heard, they are desperate. Many will not find the answers they want to hear.
"Desperate", "Desperately seeking" - these are words that I'm playing in my heart over and over and over. Many times in my life, I have sought answers as to why things happen. Many people I love are seeking answers for things they are experiencing even today. There is nothing wrong with "seeking", it's where you choose to seek and if we educate ourselves on how to find answers. We have the tools at our disposal, we just need to put them into use. "Jesus, the most beautiful name the I know...", "I believe that You're my healer"..."Our God is greater...if our God is for us than who can ever stop us...", "then all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory..." these words were written by people who desperately sought the Lord. Moses, Abraham, David, Hannah, Ruth...some names that desperately sought the Lord. What separates this bunch from the former, is they found what they were looking for. They found the Lord, they had an open hand about the outcome. They gave up their defenses and became vulnerable. There was a process. It's up to us to hear the Lord when we ask. We need to follow instruction and obey and trust. But...why? This is a question that seems to take the longest for me to find the answer to. The "why's", to me, seem to be best answered when you are no longer asking that question, but are in the "what" and "how" stage. "What do you want me to do,Lord? What is the purpose of this situation? How can I be obedient? What are your plans for me during this time? Once I focus on that, I am wrapped up in all of the fruitfulness of obedience. I am washed clean with love and showered with blessing- God uses me to give, bless and honor those around me....then "all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory"... the Lord says "this is why".
It's definitely easier said than done. I am a planner, and I want to know right now, today, why Chris and I have not been given a baby yet. Sometimes I can picture myself, arms crossed, tapping my foot, staring up at the Lord asking this. But most of the time, it's through inner tears of frustration. As I see many around me going through challenging circumstances- I pray that the Lord help us all to know He hears our cries. This is part of the purpose- and I would much rather be in His purpose than have even 1 child- not according to God's planning and timing. I would rather wait on His perfection....but I still want to know why. Why the pain?
 "Wait" is the not the most exciting thing to hear the Lord say...but I sure hear it a lot! Just like I wrote at the top: the little one just couldn't understand yet about temptation, even though I tried to explain. We aren't always in a place where things will make sense yet. We have to get there first. However, curiosity is an amazing thing. God gave us very complex minds, and even more perplexing hearts and only He knows the depths. Where some like to say "curiosity killed the cat" (which I have the most curious, trouble-making cat on the planet and he is perfectly fine- I have never understood that saying! lol) curiosity kills strongholds and crutches. The more we seek Him, the more we will find Him. Sometimes, the purpose is to find rest, see love in a new light, and to be blessed beyond all we could think or ask, I will find my answers soon enough...all in "due" time....

Precious Moments

I have recently been teased for referring to my husband as "precious". It's pretty understandable for anyone that knows my husband. His outgoing, goofy personality does not exactly exude "precious". But let me explain by recalling some precious moments that I have recently encountered.
For our 6 year wedding anniversary, Chris surprised me with private ball room dancing lessons. This was so exciting to me for multiple reasons. I have always been fascinated by ball room dancing ( I watched it as a little girl and absolutely love "Dancing with the Stars"), I love dancing in general and the third reason this was exciting to me is because Chris does not love dancing at all. I know he really loves me when he has to listen to a nationally competitive dance instructor recite "1,2,3,4 and turn,2,3,4..." in his ear. He was always a great student, so this was no exception. He did a great job during our lesson. I on the other hand, got in trouble for trying to lead! LOL I really felt this experience was very metaphorical for marriage in general. The man is the leader of the dance, no matter what. If he makes a mistake, you make a mistake along with him. The female is supposed to be just a half step behind him. The man gets to surprise her with turns and fun twirls and trips around the dance floor and she just gets to trust him and relax. There are times when the woman needs to support herself, for example on dips. She has to be ready and have her feet firmly planted on the floor and he can then dip her safely. I just felt God reveal to me that there are times when maybe I really do think I know better than Chris, but he is the head of the household and God has given him grace for that job. My job is to stand by his side, and his job is to be the head of our household. I never would have thought that I had any feelings like that, but I do like to have control over things and this is an area of my life where I need to learn to trust God, trust Chris trust that favor and grace are given where they are needed. We had such a great time and I just love my husband. He is so caring and patient and fun and I could just brag on him all day! Anyway that was precious moment number 1. We recently spent some time with some friends of ours that we became friends with in New York. They live here in Dallas now and they have a beautiful little girl. When they lived in New York, the wife would teach their dog tricks when she was off and her husband was working, just to keep herself busy. (At West Point, when it snowed, you were stuck, you had to fend for yourself!) She taught their dog a trick where she would hold her arms out in a circle and the dog would jump through it. It was so funny, and we were so impressed! When we got to see them recently, I asked if their little girl does that trick with their dog, and she does! It's so sweet to see them now, with their growing family. Every moment that Chris and I get to talk about our future children, we talk about the things that we want to teach them and talk to them about. As part of our anniversary, I made Chris some video collages of our relationship. One of the videos is of all goofy pictures of us. We talked about how we are glad that we will have a way to show our children pictures of our life before they came along. Chris mentioned wanting to point out to our children how "fun" we are. I was like "we are fun!". But anytime we talk about our future family, is a precious moment for us.
Precious moment number 3- We are in the process of searching for a house. Recently we found a house that we absolutely love, but it's still a little early to look at making an offer because our lease is up at the end of the year. Just talking about what God has done for us since we've been married- all the military craziness and all the moves- and now we are actually about to embark upon purchasing our first house! When we went on the walk through of the house, we both just loved it. I really feel like this is our house, so we are just praying about the next steps to take! Preparing to purchase a house-definitely a precious moment!
I know that it may seem strange to refer to Chris as "precious", but my Chris takes care of me when I'm down, he encourages me about the future and he makes me smile everyday. He is absolutely "precious"...

Annual Check Ups!

It's that time of year for us, where we make all of our appointments: eye, dental, physical etc..My day today started with an exhausting trip to the vet clinic. It was our first trip to the vet here in Texas. Thankfully we haven't had any serious reason to take Molly in since our last annual trip in New York. I bought her a new collar for the occasion, but still needed to put on the old harness (which by the way needed to be let out a few notches) to keep a better "non-choking" grip on her. Over the years, I have mastered the art of keeping her close to me when I'm by myself at the vet. Friendly visitors that want to pet her? Other cats/dogs within a close radius? Need to fill out paperwork one-handed? I just lock her leash, and get a great thigh work out keeping her locked between my feet and legs. She usually gives up and just lays down. Today, we experienced all three of these scenarios by the way...so a few shots and a lot of shedding later...we survived our trip! She did well, and received well deserved treats and love. We won't need to go back till next summer! While filling out the paperwork- there were questions listed that they certainly don't ask at military veterinary clinics. The first question: "To better help us with your vet experience- answer one of the following  1)Do you feel your pet is one of the family? or 2)Just a pet?". I checked of course option 1 ( I mean, she is in our Christmas card pictures). A few more of the questions were about whether or not we want the best health options, diet advice etc. It asked A)"would we be willing to do whatever it takes for our pet?", or B)"would we want to do as much as possible up to a certain limit?" Chris,being the sensible one, would have probably checked option B, but I checked option A because of course at this point, I'm nervously thinking about the off chance of something horrible happening to Molly and can't bear the thought of something happening to her- so in my head it was "A!, of course, we'll do whatever it takes!". The last question was "how long do you want your pet to live?". I had to refrain from filling in the response my 6 year old self would have written of "forever!" to "as long as possible, as long as she is happy and healthy".
We are em-"barking" on yet another annual thing known as our anniversary. Yes, it will be 6 years for us in just a few weeks. We got married on Friday night, June 24th, and are celebrating (thanks to leap year) this year on Friday, June 24th. We are still deciding on ways we would like to celebrate. But, we have much to be thankful for!
I'm sure you all have read/heard about the recent tornadoes in Joplin,MO. Yesterday, I read about a woman, whose husband gave his life for her during the tornado. They were watching their house be ripped apart, when her husband laid on top of her to protect her. In that heroic act, he lost his life. It really hit me hard and I have been praying for her like crazy. Only our Father can give you the kind of love and care you need in a situation like that. It's unimaginable. The couple had a few things in common with us: they were married 6 years, were together since they were kids (although for Chris and me it was high school), and were hoping to start a family soon....to see all of those things just come to a halt- I can hardly think of many other more challenging circumstances. Along with my thoughts I had today on the possibility of losing Molly to some horrible accident or disease- I felt God testing my trust in Him. We really do hold things dear to us that are not eternal. He puts them in our lives for a reason and wants us to find fullness and joy, but it's fleeting. Do I have the kind of hope in Him that it would take if something like that happened to Chris? The thought is very painful to think about. (I mean, this is not what we would deem the most exciting part about faith.) Chris would do anything to keep me safe,including giving his life...Then I remember that someone already gave His life. How can I have hope in anything else? We have a bright future because of Him. If anyone has read "the Shack" by William P. Young, it tests just that. His daughter was taken from him in brutal way...but,God saw him through it and brought joy back into his life. I just ask that God help me to have faith in Him in the ups, the downs and the really downs. This is the place of faith that He wants to bring all of His children to. We just have to be humble and trust Him to take care of us....it's kind of funny we can't trust Him without...Him.
In thinking about joy and fulfillment, Chris and I get to spend the weekend together!  And in just a few weeks, we'll be celebrating another year together. The test results have come back of a clean bill of health...and we too, are good to go for another year.... <3

Protect and Serve

Happy late Mother's Day,everyone! I enjoyed being able to bless my mother this past weekend, and I know she enjoyed it too. SO I get a call on Cinco De Mayo evening frantic from my mom that someone has just stolen her purse! I was in the middle of Supertarget with a friend, purchasing Mother's Day gifts when her upset ring came to my cell. I did my best to calm her down ( knowing this has to be extremely frustrating) by walking through the steps she needs to take to file her police report. I ended my shopping early and made my way to her, thankful that I had an extra key to her house, where which she had an extra car key. I then took her to her car and she began the important steps of cancelling her account etc. I'm just so glad that I was here in Texas where I was able to help her in this situation. I would have been very frustrated and felt extremely helpless if I was several states away.
This whole incident reminded me of a time when I was about 6 years old. I remember just waking up to begin my day, when I heard a frantic beating at our door. It was really loud and wouldn't stop for a break. My dad opened the door and my mom ran inside, crying and upset. She had just been mugged while walking to her car. The person took her purse, but nothing else, thankfully. I remember that day was someone's birthday at her office, and she was responsible for bringing the cake. In her hurried frantic state, she through the cake in the attacker's face and ran home as quickly as possible. I remember being so thankful that nothing else happened and that she was safe in the house.
I have no idea if they ever caught the suspect, but I do remember going to the bank that afternoon with my parents while they undoubtedly closed their checking account and opened a new one. At the time, I had no idea why we were there. I actually remember thinking "Do they sell purses here? Are they going to be able to give my mom a new purse?".
Flash forward 24 years and here I am being there for my mom once again. Only my purpose isn't quite comparable to my 6 year old self doing cartwheels and saying silly things to my mom to make her feel better (although, I'm sure she would appreciate that- she is very disappointed that she paid all that money for gymnastics growing up and I'm not still able to do back flips); it's more to be the confidant and the helper. With a husband whose sole occupation for the last several years has been to protect and serve in someway, I share his desire for taking care of those who can't fend for themselves. My mom has been there for me countless times my entire life and would drop everything for anything I ever needed, and I am so willing to do that for her any chance I can get. I just want to lift my mom up and just tell her " thank you so much"  for her unconditional love and support. I absolutely love her!! You have been such a wonderful support for Chris and me and I couldn't be more blessed to have you.

On another note, since our last date night blog, Chris and I have been able to go on a few more dates. Two weekends ago, being our most recent one. We were enjoying a late night steak at Texas Roadhouse (and I do mean late night- with Chris being on such a weird sleep schedule, I remained the supportive wife eating an 8 oz filet and baked potato at 10 o'clock at night- and in turn he watched the movie "Tangled" with me, which I'm sure he was thrilled about! ) when Chris brought up to me that it had officially been a year since we've been done with the military. He said "we didn't even celebrate or anything!" to which I replied, "well, we have just been too busy enjoying a wonderful life,I guess!".  We were just talking about this the other night in our lifegroup. A year ago, we moved to Texas with no jobs, no house, no church...nothing-except our faith. One by one, God has taken care of every detail of every aspect of our lives. We are so grateful for everything He has done for us.Thank you, Lord, for an amazing year and we are thrilled to move onto the next!