"And I Can See a Light that is Coming for the Heart that Holds On..."

These lyrics from one of my favorite Matt Redman songs resonate so deeply in my heart. "The heart that holds on..." He is obviously talking about a heart that through physical eyes has seen cause to lose faith, but has kept trusting. A heart that has walked through storms. A heart that has been broken, hurt or overwhelmed, but has leaned into the Light to see what is True.

Getting dumped on.
There's the type of dumping that involves extra work being unloaded on you right when you were about to clock out for the day. There's the type that happens when someone is having a hard day and they relieve all of their emotions on you. Then there's the type where life gives you so many lemons that you smell of citrus for months. You can either let your face sour from the invisible tartness so fragrant in your mouth or you can make endless amounts of lemonade from which you can draw for a lifetime. Whichever imagery seems more enticing to you, you have a choice.

Humanism is an interesting thing. It wants the same results as freely given to us in the Word of God, but it chooses to reconcile situations within human limitations. Many draw upon the human spirit to get them through the "dumpings" of life, and don't get me wrong, we are made in His image and He has made us fearfully and wonderfully, but to limit ourselves to the creat-ed... the well will run dry at some point. I choose to draw upon the Holy Spirit within me that was given to me as a gift, as my Helpmate, as my Guide, as my Strength and Power. A Fountain that will never run dry.

We still have choice. I've had several opportunities over the past couple of years especially, where if I relied only on human reasoning and fickle strength, I would be done. Facing loss in many forms and trials and storms back to back, you find out what you really believe about yourself and God. I found that God knew all along what I was made of (considering He formed me), but more so wanted me to see it. And He wanted me to see that we find more of what we're made of, when we know more of what He's made of. He wanted to bring forth His strength within me. He wanted His power to be made perfect in all of my weakness and to be exercised from a place of audacious determination.

I have a choice. I can choose to seek Him desperately and pour out my heart's perfume at His feet. I can choose to believe and agree with His Word that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I can choose to stand on His promises for me. Most importantly I can decide today, that I will receive His Words for me and will exhibit His love to EVERYONE because they need it. I can allow His joy to overtake me and spill over onto others. I could choose to be alert and awake  and spy with my little eye miracles and provision, hearts being changed, a world being changed, freedom from bondage and prayers being answered. I can purpose to walk in the piece of the destiny He has for me today, knowing it all fits into His design for me and the world, and to not be anxious about it.

Had I chosen to lie on the floor of the boxing ring and allow the floating pieces of my broken heart and broken spirit to be absorbed within my human spirit and left them there, I would be on a mission to prove myself to everyone. I would be operating out of bitterness and lack of understanding. Had I chosen to say "Well, I guess I'm the only one I can trust."  How limited would the possibilities have been. But, there is something to say about the human spirit that God did give us. It has the freedom of choice. We choose to give up and give in. Or we choose to say "I will persevere, develop character and claim my hope in this. I will get my fruit. I will allow God to teach me, train me and refine me for the greater purpose in all of this and I will make room for miracles. I will choose to see everything and everyone from His perspective knowing that the wisdom of God is "first of all pure, then peaceful, gentle, obedient, filled with mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." (James 3:17) When my human spirit submits to the Holy Spirit, the possibilities are endless.

As I look at my digital calendar, my husband and I have a lot of upcoming things. You know how when you look at the calendar on your phone, you can look at a day and each event is represented by a dot? Well, that's how it looks on my phone anyway! I have days that just have one "dot" and I have days that have dot, dot, dot, ... In essence a lot sort of  "dumped" on me all at once! But my heart smiles, knowing His purpose in each season I've walked. I'm so happy to be here, I'm so blessed by what God has done, continues to do and will do.
Each dot, when thinking about God's provision and blessing that has brought us through so much, to me, represents pitchers and pitchers of lemonade.

Romans 3:3-5

"Invisible Assistants": Being Busy for God, Shouldn't Make Us Too Busy for God

It's incredible how many thoughts, ideas and "to do's" are competing for my attention the moment my body awakes in the morning. I don't even have to open my eyes. It's as if my invisible "assistants" are standing next to my bed watching me sleep, pens and notepads in hand, just holding their breath until I make that first "awakening" stir. "Okay, she's up! Now Mrs. Bickers, remember you have this, this and this to prepare next week and for tomorrow, remember tomorrow's meeting (you're running that remember?) you need to mention this, this and this. OH and don't forget this." " Mrs. Bickers, don't forget all that you need to take care of at home today. You need to set this out, and tomorrow you're taking this meal here and next week, you're taking that meal there. And don't forget all of these errands that need to get taken care of." "Mrs. Bickers (interrupts the other "assistants mid sentence") , I know all of that is important, but we need to work on our blogs and other ideas we had talked about. Remember that? And this? Oh and I had this wonderful NEW idea!"In the midst of it all, I see My Father standing there, " oh Hi!!" I say. It's as if I'm welcoming Him into a busy office or bustling home where my invisible kids are running around playing and I have several projects going. "Please, come in, Father, excuse this mess. Do you have kids? Oh, what am I saying, of course You do! Please have a seat, I want to hear all about what You have to say!"

I'm so grateful for grace.

As life picks up and things are in motion, this is the type of scene that plays over and over in my mind. Lately the Lord has been challenging me with giving me more opportunities and responsibilities and STILL not making them idols before Him. I have had to tell, no COMMAND my soul to be still and my mind to rest because NO other thing comes before my time with My Jesus. Just as my responsibilities call my name first thing in the morning and seemingly stare at me until I awake, My Father sings over me while I sleep and looks over me lovingly and adoringly saying "I am taking care of every detail. You don't need to worry. You do however NEED Me first thing." We, as women are pulled in many directions- I mean if you look at the woman described in Proverbs 31, she has many responsibilities: a mother and wife who is tending to her household, the poor and the city. She is stewarding money and property as well as providing meals and sowing seeds galore...just to name a few. But, what does Solomon end this chapter by saying? "A woman who FEARS the Lord is to be praised".
As women who fear the Lord, our responsibilities are great, but our strength comes from Him. We were NOT meant to carry the burdens, just His truth and love. He is challenging me to lay those pressing things down every morning and to refuse to let them weasel their way to first place. This may be a constant laying down throughout the day as well, but He knows what needs to be done and He will make sure it gets done. But we don't want to miss that neighbor that God may want us to speak to. We don't want to miss that prompting from the Holy Spirit to walk through our home and into our kid's rooms and speak the Word of God over them. We don't want to miss Him whisper to us a Word of hope for someone or a song of encouragement to our hearts. The enemy will always try to keep us too busy for God when He can't get us to stop doing things for God. But when we say, "This morning, I lay it all down. I know my husband/child/family member is sick or in the hospital. I know I have lots of deadlines staring at me. I know I have a trip planned or some events to prepare for. And I know YOU know all of this and are bigger than all of it. So I love You, Father. I want YOU above all of it. What is on Your heart today?" You will feel all of those things filter off of your being. He will wipe away things that are
not important and place those things that are in a Heavenly order giving you the rest and endurance to accomplish them with excellence, not weariness. " Martha opened her home to Him. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet...'Martha, Martha'", the Lord answered, " you are worried and upset about many things but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.'" Luke 10:39&41

Father, I welcome You into my mess,projects and crazy schedule and greet you just as I am. You have gifted this day to me and I do not take it for granted. This is the day that You have made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. And I will seek Your kingdom first. None of these other things matter without You anyway, so they can always wait. I don't just want to welcome You, but want to welcome You with my red carpet of praise every morning. I never want time with You to be an after thought, but the first thought that I have every morning. I want to be a woman after Your own heart. Then send me into the world to love it and shake it up or You.

Look Up

This literally happened this weekend. I don't typically share dreams or other spiritual visions unless I feel like Jesus wants me to and if so, I know it is for a purpose. I feel that there is someone that must need this encouragement today too. <3

I had a dream. Chris and I were on a trip and we were on a long stretch of highway when we saw dark, ominous clouds that looked to be one of the largest tornadoes ever seen. And inside it looked to be several small twisters wrapped inside. I remember in my dream I said there were “eight” twisters inside. The sunlight turned to rain and we took a detour into some woods where we found a house that others were hiding out in. We grabbed our pets and went in to find shelter, all the while praying. The next part is blurry, but it seems as though, we had just gathered our things and gone inside the old, wooden log cabinesque home, when before we had time to look for somewhere to take cover, we noticed the sounds of the storm had stopped. I noticed people standing on the balcony, so I joined them. As I made my way toward to open French doors, sunlight met me and there was not a storm cloud to be found. In fact it was silent and beautiful. While everyone was looking around, taking it in. I looked up. I saw what used to be funnel clouds reformed and shaped to be a part of some sort of picture. My eyes widened and my head tilted further back to take in the entirety of the picture. There were even new colors I noticed. My whole being jolted and my heart beat rapidly, overwhelmed. Without removing my focus, I said to the others “do you see what I see?” Conversations interrupted, they each looked up as well and echoes of awe and wonder could be heard. The storm clouds were reshaped to take on the form of Jesus. The twister clouds took shape into a strong and mighty torso and the other clouds chiseled his face and hair. This picture took up the entire sky. His eyes were piercing and His being was beaming peace and joy down on us. I remember His smile and His eyes very clearly. It was an expression of “peace” but also power and authority somehow wrapped into Fatherly love as if to say “I’m proud of you”. The next day, I hadn’t really thought much about this dream, there was a lot going on and it wasn’t until I saw some rain clouds outside that I was reminded of it. I began to tell Chris “I had this crazy dream last night…” and it wasn't until the moment I said “ and the storm stopped and was replaced with Jesus’s figure” that I realized this was a dream given to me by My Jesus. I immediately knew in my heart that this was His reminder that this storm is will pass. But I continued praying to seek what other things the Lord might be saying...Jesus calmed the storm in my dream as we took shelter. But, maybe the storm was still going on…and we just didn’t notice because we were looking up. The storm took on a new shape and formed into our Protector and our Defender. He took up our entire sky and gave us peace and joy. For Chris and me the Lord has been giving us words and starting to reveal open doors. And even though He does not even have to, is showing us why some doors have been shut, thus revealing His protection. He is reassuring us that our promised land is near. But even more importantly than that, this

dream is a picture of our journey through the storm. We were on our way to a destination, but heavy storms came and Jesus rerouted us. We were scared at first, but before we had time to try to hide, He encouraged us to come out and play in His peace and His joy. We quickly saw that if we keep our eyes up, He is bigger and greater and in control of this storm. We might not have known how long this particular storm would be, but He wanted us right here, under His rays of sunshine while we walked through it. This is a picture of all us. The testimony is the sustaining us, the building us, the deep wells of character and truth, the deliverance and the protection through the storms of life. Knowing that He’s for you no matter what. The testimony is what happens from the time the storm comes to the time it passes…not just

that it passes. This is what encourages, inspires and takes authority over the powers of darkness. In this world filled with hopelessness and despair where people are turning to pills, alcohol, their own fleshly desires to make them happy and whole; In a place where bad things happen and evil “seems” to be winning….this world needs to know how powerful their Creator is. They need to look up and see. They need to taste and see. They need a testimony of someone that has walked through it, felt all of the same things, thought all of the same things, but has a Savior that replaces lies with truth and demonstrated His provision and love time and time again. They need the unedited testimony and that every step of it, He was faithful and just to do what He promised. And always will.

Being in the "No"

When things don't make sense on paper. When 2 +2 doesn't seem to equal 4. When things that have worked in the past don't seem to be working this time and friends' advice has been exhausted. Yeah, that.

Yet, I have this abiding faith within me, this glorious hope that gives me joy that I have no right to have. When things in our life have seemed crazier and crazier and just don't seem to let up... this means my faith has to be even crazier than that. I've set my sights on My Way-maker and My "Puzzle-put-togetherer". I've been doing this for so long now that when I look only at my circumstances, I get lost. I don't even know where I am, because it only makes sense from His perspective.

I've been running this particular stretch for so long, that I've become used to it. Used to it's sights and smells. I know when I need water now, so I have the right amount by my side. I know when it's time to walk it off, take a breather, stretch. But not for too long, because I'm going somewhere. When you begin a rigorous workout routine... whether it's running, weights, yoga, squats...it's so hard at first you want to throw up. But when you keep at it, your legs can bare more weight, your arms take definition, your core is strengthened...you can see the progress and it encourages you not to quit. Your body begins to respond to the level of health it was always designed to have and we become the healthier selves, we were always created to be. Particularly when I'm running, I like to know how many miles I've run. (Wait. MileS... plural? Who am I kidding?) I like to know how far I've gone, the progress and how much further I have to go so I can give myself a mental pep talk. I can see an end and I can encourage myself all the way to the finish. But in this spiritual race, that's been part of the challenge. I can see how far I've come. I can see the progress, but I

have no idea where the end is. I'm not one of these runners that just "loves a good jaunt" and doesn't even keep track of distance. " I don't know, I think I ran like 14 miles. It just felt so good, I didn't even notice." Nope. Uh-uh. I need to know the end and encourage myself every step of the way. I don't see an end in sight, yet I can hear the crowd cheering. I don't know where this path is taking me, but I know the promises that are waiting for me on the other side. I hear my Jesus. He is right beside me on this path of disappointment. On this path filled with adversity and He is encouraging me to keep going. "But, I don't know where I'm going!" I'll say. "I do...and trust Me, you want to get there."

Chris and I have had about 20 months now of more "no's" than I thought we could ever handle. More disappointments than I ever thought I would endure. It's been so long since we have heard a "yes" that we see how precious open doors are and how very valuable they truly are. When I worked in sales, we always talked about the law of averages. "For every 10 'no's', you'll get a 'yes'." Well in this real life stuff, that ratio doesn't quite carry over. But in the midst of the "no's", in the midst of adversity, we keep our eyes set on the One Who never disappoints. Although events in our life have questioned that, He's come closer to us than He ever has. He has lifted us up and with His purposeful and gentle care has put broken pieces back together. He's apart of this journey. He's the reason for it. We are a cord of three that cannot easily be broken. We don't know where we're going. We don't have ANY answers, but we know that He has asked us to journey into the promised land. We know, that just like Joshua and the Israelites, we have to put one foot in front of the other and trust that He will open up the way before us. Just like the bleeding woman, we have to be filled with determination to carry ourselves to Him, knowing His presence is all we need. We need to be like Mary Magdalene, who filled with despair and confusion after Jesus' crucifixion, knew only one thing...she needed to be beside Him.

When things don't make sense on paper. When 2 +2 doesn't seem to equal 4. When things that have worked in the past don't seem to be working this time and friends' advice has been exhausted. Yeah, that. It can only mean one thing. "This day I will magnify thee in the sight of Israel , that they may know that , as I was with Moses, so I will be with Thee. " (Josh. 3:6) We need to make our preparations, we need to get ready, purge things we don't want to take with us and polish things we are taking with us. We need to hear, believe and obey. I've learned in these trials that if there is a door that God doesn't want opened, no man will be able to pry it open. And honestly, it has only given me the assurance that with every door He DOES open, no man or enemy in Hell will be able to stop it.

This is what I know when in the midst of "no" land: more commonly referred to as "the wilderness". I can see how far we've come. He took my wobbly legs that stood with tenacity after crushing disappointment and made them enduring legs. I can see the form, shape and definition of my spiritual self which I hope comes out to others. I can look back and see this faith filled journey and all of the fruit that has sprung while in the valley as I become the healthier, stronger me, He created me to be. 'One that will not shut up about His goodness. No matter what.

"I've got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim" - Francesca Battistelli

Killing the Monster of "Why Me?" Why I Celebrate Easter.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corin 9:24

Lately the Lord has been speaking to me about the race that my husband and I have been in for (if I had to put into calendar terms) 18 months. He's been specifically reminding me that we are in a marathon not a sprint. "Take it one day at a time. This is the day I have made for you. Rejoice in today knowing what's to come is worth rejoicing over as well. Ask Me for your daily bread. Live for today." But without Him this is impossible. The journey, the perseverance, the cries for breakthrough, the seeking His wisdom...still we have not yet seen that tangible breakthrough. But, He is my hope. My source of strength. My glass of refreshing water, the "replenisher" of  my soul and strength. I thanked Him recently for this abiding faith within me that keeps me going, even when I feel like quitting. But, He reminded me that I have it because I guard it, I water it, I feed it, He helps me to fight for it. "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God" (Rom. 10:17), so in order to do this, I need to hear from Him as much as possible every single day. 

To detail the race that we have been in, let me expound. We began our journey to having children in August of 2008. My husband was still in the military and we were living at West Point Military Academy. We knew we were supposed to end our time of active duty, but it could only be done with faith. Faith that God would show us what to do next. We would step out in faith and trust. We both felt that Chris was to apply to be a police officer. His father and his father's father were police officers. And unlike some family dynamics where the son has no choice but to follow certain patterned expectations in their family, Chris actually desired and dreamed of one day being a civilian police officer (he was a military police officer). We moved back to Texas in 2010 and God worked everything out for us rather quickly. I found a great job soon and Chris was able to apply and be hired by a police department shortly after his military pay ran out. But toward the end of 2011 things started shifting. He lost his job and we were devastated. But, I immediately heard the Lord say "I'm protecting him" as clear as day. We knew that God would provide and take care of us, still this was hard. Then in January of 2012, we found out something that would prove to push everything else aside...we were pregnant! But we lost our baby that March. Disappointment.Since then, my husband has been on countless interviews with all sorts of jobs and nothing has panned out. He has made it all the way to the very end where we all just knew this was it...just to find out after months of the interviewing process, he didn't get it. Disappointment. In my last blog I talked about how I am in the "deep end" with the Lord and because of this, He is asking me to deal with feelings that I have pushed aside. So many times I think "how can I do this? This is so hard!" And in my flesh I sometimes wonder "why?" "Why us?" "Why me?". "My husband is faithful and honorable in everything he does, You know that. I would make a good mother wouldn't I?" For anyone that has walked through a tough long season of testing,  I believe God wants to kill the monster of the "why me?" by answering that question for you, like He has for me. The enemy likes to make us feel like we're being punished or that something is wrong with us. LIES. He tries to steal our joy and make us fear hoping for the unseen for fear of disappointment. But God never lets us down. He's asked me to bring Him my questions and my disappointment. No more lies. 

I have been very blessed to be able to teach an equipping class at our church for 3rd and 4th grade girls. I always pray and ask the Lord to show me what He wants to show "us girls" each session and this session it has been "identity". Last week the Lord laid on my heart to have each girl sit in a princess chair that we have in one of our class rooms that has "always a princess" printed on it. After our discussion, each girl took turns sitting in the chair and the rest of us girls edified, encouraged and lifted her up in truth. The girls couldn't wait until it was their turn because just like we love and need encouragement as adults, so, so, SO do these precious girls. When we were done, I was ready to pray and the girls kept saying "Ms. Kyndl, it's your turn! You're next! You have to sit in the chair too!" I was very reluctant. I mean, what if someone walked in and saw me sitting on a "throne" with the girls I'm supposed to be teaching saying things to me?!"

 But they insisted saying "excuses, excuses" (3rd and 4th grade girls are very persistent). When I did, they said sweet things to me and that they liked my class, but one little girl spoke something directly from the Lord. She had already taken her turn to speak, but said "Wait, I have something else!" Not knowing ANYTHING that I have been recently walking through she said this: "Like, just even when bad things happen to you, you don't let it keep you down. You just....keep going...". She also mentioned about how I still love Jesus no matter what. My heart just started beating really fast as I tried to fight back tears. It was amazing. I asked the Lord to expound on this.

The next day, I was working with the children that come to church while their moms attend life group. Our speaker was giving the salvation message and my job was to just sort of do crowd control and help kids that need to go to the bathroom etc. So I get to pay attention, but with one ear on the kids. Sometimes because of this, I miss some things that he says. But the Lord made sure I heard one part. When he was talking about what Jesus endured that day, how gross and horrible it was...and how at any time He could have stopped. At any time, He could have said "I just can't do it. I change my mind"...but instead "He kept going". He used the same words the precious little one said about me. When it all came together for me, it was beyond humbling. "You think I don't know about perseverance? I am the one abiding in you. It's Me that is your abiding faith. I feel it all, My pain on the earth and yours. My pain on the earth that was for you." Whoah. Humbled. Churched. Schooled. However, you want to put it, I had it handed to me. But not in a condemning way, in a way filled with overwhelming love, overwhelming truth. He reminded me that there was a point to His perseverance and that I am no different. We are running this marathon together and the promises He has spoken were then created and are in full motion for my future. There is a greater purpose in all of this and as my husband and I continue to live each day counting our blessings and counting on Him, I am bubbling over with excitement because of the greatest act of perseverance ever demonstrated. And because of that I get to hope for things unseen. I get to have assurance of my future...not just in Heaven but on this earth. Joseph Prince said once that "believing in miracles honors what He did for us." He died so that we too could persevere. 

In the afternoons I get to work at an elementary school. There is a 2nd grade boy who has a little sister that has had leukemia and for the last couple of years (at least) has not been able to come in and be with the other children. I would watch her stand outside the glass door trying really hard to see what the children were doing and who the children were. She would longingly look through the window and wave to us. We so wanted
 to hug her, but we couldn't. She's now in kindergarten, and just as recently as a few weeks ago has been freed to come in and be with us and the children and will start in our program soon!  When she first came in the room, she didn't just walk in, she didn't hide behind mom, she ran in! She looked at all of the art stuff, played on the scooters, hugged her friends. I've never seen such a big and grateful smile on any child. Her hair is starting to grow back and honestly it's hard to think of anyone more beautiful. But talk about perseverance. Because of Him, we can believe for healing. Because of Him we can look through the glass door to our future with expectancy and anticipation. Even if the waiting part is hard. Seems lonely. Isn't how you thought things were going to go...His grace is sufficient for all. We can run and play now and when those doors of breakthrough are finally open, how much more grateful we will be now, knowing what it took to get there. How grateful I am for my Jesus, knowing what it took to get here. 

Jumping In and Killing Monsters with the Best of 'Em

I’m in rehab. You wouldn’t know it. I look just like you. Just like me. I still go about my days. I still go to the store. Serve in the church. Serve in my lifegroup. Am a wife. A daughter. A sister. An aunt. A friend. But, I’m in rehab. Spiritual rehab. The Lord has led me into the deep places of freedom and just like with any therapy, there is some discomfort. There is soreness in between sessions. There are places that He is prying open in my heart. Although, I personally have never been to a rehabilitation center, I know that this is rehab. Part of the medical definition for rehabilitation is: treatment of certain injuries; restoring capabilities that may have been lost during injuries. Having walked with Jesus for 25 years, there are areas that I have left undusted and therefore had forgotten that they were there because of the culmination of the elements. I have walked through experiences that have shaped me. And God is showing me that I instead need to let Him shape me through those experiences. When He knocked on the door to that secret place of my heart. I almost didn’t know which door it was. You see, no one ever knocked on that door. I went through the rooms of my heart, opening the doors as I carried myself through the maze of rooms. “Okay, not in here.” “Not this one either.” “Okay, so not the door of faith this time? Hmph. That’s usually where He’s knocking. But, I hear it. Where is it coming from?”  Trying to follow His all too familiar knock. I know that’s definitely Daddy at the door. “Daddy, which door are you trying to come through?!”. Then, I realized it. “Oh that door? I’d all but forgotten about this door. I’m going to have to make my way through the cobwebs and boxes stacked in front of it.” Then as I neared it, I felt dread. Not like scary dread. Like it’s the day before finals dread. I just want to get this over with and feel the relief that always comes afterward. But, I knew it wasn’t going to be as simple as that.  A wave of Truth came over me. “It’s time to deal, Kyndl.”  You see there was a door to my heart that needed to be unlocked. There was a place that I had kept worry and fear, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy that I had locked away refusing their company. But my Father knew, I needed to be free of those. I mean, when you put something in storage…eventually it has to come out. This is that day. Because I love and trust my Father, I said “Okay, Lord.” And asked Him to show me what I was so afraid of. Why was I so concerned? The Lord has spoken directly to the fear that I will not ever get to be a mother to an earthly baby. He’s spoken SO directly about His promises and has given me real hope. I asked Him to confirm these words…just because ( I guess it was the Gideon in me). He did. When I still felt too scared to fully believe that yes, this is happening. He told me “you don’t need another word from me. You just need to believe the one I’ve already given”. This is where my journey started. This #Killing Monsters movement happening right now is completely Spirit led. The lifegroup my husband and I are co-leading is even walking through a freedom curriculum through our church. God has opened the floodgates in me already and that was even before this movement. I believe this is a year of breakthrough and I asked the Lord to show me what was blocking me from fully receiving that His promises will in fact come to pass. “This is ridiculous” I thought. “I’m done, fighting it, Lord! I’m SO done!” This is when He showed me a parallel in my life.

When I was 7 years old. I went to church camp. At this point in life, I had no fear of water ( I didn’t even know there was a such thing), but an experience that summer reshaped me. My parents said I was fearless of water up until this point. I even took “water baby” classes, where they would put you in water in your early years of life and let you play and splash about. But, I began to develop ear infections, so my parents took me out of swim classes. Even remembering how truly painful the infections were, I still had no fear. So this particular summer in my 7^th year of life, I went for it. We were in a lake where I had been wearing a life jacket the majority of the time and with its help swam to a floating dock in the middle of the lake. I sat with my little friends and basked in the sun when many of the kids began jumping into the lake treading water. It looked super fun! So I decided to take off my life jacket and do just as they had. “I mean they can do it, so can I, right?” Not understanding at this time that there are lessons involved in treading water, I went for it. Only I had a hard time coming to the surface. It was much deeper than I expected. And, I was used to pools where I knew there was a bottom somewhere, and here there was no bottom…the panic began to set in. My friends had not realized that I was drowning at this point, but I tried to doggy paddle my way to the surface and when fear set in, began flailing about. Finally a little girl, 6 years old, at the time came to try to help me and she was struggling as well. I kept trying to yell, “Help! Help!” to the two lifeguards that were on duty. But, my mouth kept swallowing water. Finally they sensed something was wrong, but just kept looking at each other as if to say “Are you gonna go? Do you want me to go? Okay, which one of us is going?” The longer they made their decision the more I felt hopeless. Fear had a hold of me and I was drowning in it. Finally one of the lifeguards made her way to me and lifted me out of the water onto her shoulders. It was a difficult day for me. I didn’t expect that sort of thing to happen, but I let this little experience shape me. Looking back, I know I would have been okay because the lifeguards were so close by, but those seconds of not knowing and feeling like all was lost shaped me. As I write this closing in on my 32^nd year of life, I still struggle with this fear. And of course, I married into a “swim team” family who on all family trips to the lake look uniform in their flips, dives and treading water skills while I humorously inch my body onto a float, legs ungraciously in the air, body contorted in unflattering ways, as I hold onto the dock with one hand and try to get onto the float with my legs. The Lord showed me all of this and said “this is the year.” You see, it’s time for me to jump into the deep end with reckless abandon, trusting that He will be right next to me and not let me drown. Well, let me rephrase that: the only drowning that will be happening is in His grace. He asked me to picture myself  in a 15 foot deep end of the pool. Yeah, He couldn’t say “just picture yourself in a pool that is maybe 5’ or 6’", because He knows that is not a problem for my 5’ 2” height. I enjoy that depth and I’m even CPR certified to help others in case they have a problem. But “Oohh…that end?” He knew to say the “the deep end”. He asked me to walk myself through the experience of  jumping in and trying to swim to the top. He told me to tell Him all that I felt through every step. So I closed my eyes and pictured it. “ Okay my heart is beating really hard and fast and my stomach is in knots because I’m about to jump in.” “Good,” He says, “What’s next?” “I jump into the pool and panic sets in. It’s dark. I can’t breathe, the surface looks too far. I’m afraid I don’t have enough time to get to the top. I’m afraid I’m going to breathe in water and choke. But I’m swimming as fast as I can to the top. I finally make it, albeit exhausted and swim over to the nearest side of the pool to rest, breathing out deep breaths of relief.” “Okay, great job. This ends our first session. You did great!”. “Huh?” I thought, “that was it?!” There’s not going to be an added word to this, an added meaning? This is when I felt Him say, “You’ve just jumped into the deep end. You’re in it now, treading water with Me.”  So here I am. In the deep end with the Lord. It’s unfamiliar, and somehow comforting at the same time. I know breakthrough is the only way out. I don’t have a fear of heights, or flying and even though I don’t like spiders or snakes, at least, I can just run away from them. You could also say “ hey, I’m taking you sky diving tomorrow” and I’d think that was fun. But mention swimming in deep waters, white water rafting, canoeing, tubing…woah, woah, woah, hold the phone, shut the door, pull on the E brake, hands out in front me in a “keep your distance” stance, “what?”.   The only way to get through that is to swim through it. And I don’t like that so much. You see miscarriage, major job loss and other painful losses have shaped me. The Lord has walked me through it all and has been my “rod and my staff”. He has demonstrated miraculous, unwavering faithfulness and I sing to Him even louder with voices of triumph. But aww man, there is still some scarring. There are some injuries that need extra therapy. There are also old wounds of insecurity and self-doubt. He is the healer of my scars and loves me enough to not let me go another day with them. 1 John 4:8 says “His perfect love casts out fear”. And I love the story of David and Goliath-how fearless and trusting of God’s power David was. One comment I read on this story is that David didn’t see his giant (or “monster”)  as too big to deal with, instead he just saw him as a super easy target. Well, God is showing me some easy targets and we’re wading through the water together. The past year and a half for me have been about staring loss in the face and giving God the glory for all He is doing. After my rare ectopic miscarriage at 14 weeks- leading to life threatening surgery and the loss of  my husband’s job happening within months apart last year, I began a facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theliliesofthevalley?fref=ts  It’s all about TRUTH and encouragement. John 8:32 says “you shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you free.” I mentioned earlier that this movement is spirit led and “where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom” (2 Corin. 3:17) Do you have some secret places you may have forgotten about? He hasn’t. Do you want to jump in the deep end with me? Let’s have a swimming party together! During this journey a song that the Lord has placed on my heart is one by Jesus Culture called “One Thing”. In it, it  says “… I never, ever have to be a afraid because one thing remains…Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.” His love is enough. So I’m going to go ahead and trust His promises about me. I believe Marissa recently posted something along the lines of "The thing the enemy is trying to make us afraid of is indeed the very thing we must do". So, I’m just gonna go ahead and have me some kids, write me some books, be an awesome wife and lay down my insecurities because He is my Truth. When things are all said and done, I will be able to tread water on my own both spiritually and literally (I've asked my husband to help face this fear and teach me!). Knowing that my Father will always be holding my hand. I'm going to have my own pool party...in the deep end.