Experiences

"Yeah in this wasteland where I'm livin' There is a crack in the door filled with light...if God is on my side, who can be against me?" - "Wasteland" (NeedtoBreathe)

"Praise, we sing praise; we fill the sky with songs from our hearts. Praise, we sing praise till enemies know how faithful You are, oh God." - "Walls" (Cody Carnes)

"Your Name is Higher, Your Name is Greater, all my hope is in You. Your Word unfailing, Your promise unshaken. All my hope is in You."- "Anchor" (Hillsong)

"I know Who goes before me, I know Who stands behind, the God of Angel Armies, is always by my side." - "Whom Shall I Fear?" (Chris Tomlin)

"Even in the why, in the middle of the night, I say that You are good. Though my prayers are heard, the response is Yours, God, and You are good. Sorrow may last the whole night, but joy comes in the morning light. You are good and You never change, God. You are good and You never change Your ways." - "You Never Change" (Rita Springer)

So there are experiences and then there are THOSE experiences. I’ve heard it said that “experience is the best teacher”. I think I understand the underlying sentiment, however I respectfully disagree. There are plenty of things that I would have rather learned my lesson through other people’s experiences and saved myself some unnecessary heartache. And then there are life situations that I didn’t ask to experience, and would have loved to learn my lesson ANY other way if it were possible. It’s not the experience itself that should shape our outlook or opinion, especially if we’re basing it on another’s misgivings and imperfections and injustices. I firmly, wholeheartedly and with conviction believe we need not let our experiences shape us, but let GOD shape us through our experiences. And I came to this conclusion...well through some God-shaping experiences. 

For example, 1.) I’m a military wife (shout out to all you military wives who are killin’ it!). My husband deployed to Iraq after us only being married 5 months. Our first year of marriage was spent mostly apart. We even missed our first Christmas together as a married couple (for which my grandmother gave us an “our first Christmas together” ornament our second year of marriage, because…it was our first to be physically together. She was cute like that.) Listen, in case you didn’t know-there are many, many, many, many (shall I go on?) reasons to complain when you’re a military wife. But, what God taught me through the years of active duty was: flexibility (I desperately needed it!); the truth that we are not actually in control-God is in control; you can literally make ANY house a home- Whether it’s a tiny green house with brown carpet, or a house built in the 1800’s (which I’m pretty sure still had some lead paint) that faced century and a half old cemetery; the power and importance of me being a praying wife; that no matter what disagreement you might have with your husband- you will let it go because at the end of the day HE’s HOME and not at war.

-That wasn’t our only challenging season, but what God taught us then, I believe, helped prepare us for the following:

2.) Job-loss: You most importantly learn HU-MI-LI-TY; how to be TRULY content; where your joy truly comes from and that the joy of the Lord is absolutely your strength; that God is your source and provider; that God is faithful; that you can make your home look and feel "homey" on pretty much no money, (as learned in experience 1); that He still does miracles today; that He goes before us and prepares a way where there is absolutely no way.

3.) Through Disease: That God still heals!; That God still does miracles; That He is absolutely your strength; that His Word is alive and active and sharper than any 2 edged sword (or even than the “sharpest shark’s tooth” as one little girl at church recently said); That I’m a warrior; that we are overcomers; that there is POWER in the Name of Jesus and through our prayers in His Name!; that we are blanketed with friends, family and prayer warriors that fight our battles with us. And many, many more, countless revelations…

4.) Through Miscarriage and Infertility: It’s hard to compare each struggle we face in life. I’m sure you have those years that were just the worst and you just couldn’t wait for them to be over. You were ready for a new year, a new season and God gifted you with faith and hope for what awaited you. For me, that year was 2012. I’m just being totally vulnerable and honest with you, I hated that year. After trying for 4 years to have a baby, we finally were pregnant at the end of 2011/beginning of 2012. I look back on that time as such a whirlwind. I found out kind of late, but we still got to experience many things we had dreamed about. I finally got to see a POSITIVE pregnancy test, we got to hear our baby’s heartbeat, we got to see our baby, get a picture of him (that we get to keep forever) and see him moving like crazy. I was walking on air after that appointment. But it wasn’t too long after that, we had a polar opposite doctor’s appointment. No heartbeat. No movement. And the words that will always ring in my memory: “This baby has passed.” Although, I have many times before, I won’t go into the crazy details of that pregnancy and the crazy surgery that I had to have, merely for time’s sake. “This happens to less than 1% of women in the world. We only read about this in text books,” he said. I remember feeling like my body was broken, but my heart even more so. I will never forget being wheeled out in the line with all of the “new mothers” holding their babies, while I only carried my “cough pillow”. Chris remembers pulling up in the car lane in the “new dads” line and us leaving without a baby. My arms had never felt so empty and my heart had never been filled with more questions.

See, I go back to what I said at the start: We MUST let GOD shape us through our experiences. It was quite a journey and if I’m being honest, like I said before I hated that year. But, what God began in my heart, the joy that slowly began to replace the mourning, the ashes that He began to beautify, the strength that slowly started coming back, the restoration that we began to see, the feet that were rooted and planted in hope, the streams that began to show up in wilderness places, the overcomers that began to emerge in us, I'm grateful for what began to take shape in us that year. All of His Word was tested in these days and proven true. We are still walking it out, and we are still planted in hope. Among even recent super negative doctor’s reports, I take those facts and lay them down at the place the promise was made. My God is not limited to negative doctor’s reports (as learned in experience number 3) and I refuse to put Him in a box. He makes a way, where there seems to be absolutely no way (as learned in experience 2) I have walked through miscarriage, I have walked through 7 years of patiently (or not so patiently) waiting, praying, believing, declaring, hoping,and  trusting for children. There have been and still are tears, there is still frustration, there are still days, I don't particularly feel like dealing with it, but by God's grace alone the face you see is (albeit sometimes tired), one of an  “Overcomer”.

I’m so grateful to be able to see just a “glimpse” of how God is interweaving our story. How He prepared us through teaching us and strengthening us in advance. And continues to.

I love what was recently said at our church that when God defeats the enemy, He loves to publicly shame him. So that’s what I’m doing today. We may weep, but it lasts for a night; we may feel weary, but His strength carries us; we may not have words sometimes, but His Word says it all; we may not have it “in us” some days, but He carries us; we may lack faith some days, but He gifts us with it; we may feel tired some days, but He says “it’s okay, I’ve got this one.” If you experienced miscarriage, I am so, so sorry and I honor you and your angel babies with you today. And if you’re like me and you’re still waiting for your earthly littles, take heart, take courage, He has overcome the world, so that you can overcome anything. He sees every tear and I love what a beautiful woman of God (Charlotte Gambill)  recently said, "He will take a seed from your sorrow and plant it in your promise tomorrow." He will be faithful and your land WILL reap its harvest. (Ps. 85:12)

It is Well.

"Far be it from me, to not believe. Even when my eyes can't see. And this mountain that's in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. And through it all, it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You and it is well with me. 

So, let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His Name."- "It is Well"- Bethel Worship

The lyrics to this song echo throughout my entire being as if my soul unifies and in one chorus sings. I heard it for the first time over a year ago and it's just one that flows from my heart steadily. When your entire being wants to move forward, but God says "wait". When your heart asks "now?" And your Father gently says "not yet." And when in the same turn, your heart screams, "I can't do this, I'm not ready!" He lovingly says, "yes, you are" and pushes you in... You learn the importance of keeping your eyes fixated on the One who is absolutely infatuated with you. You learn that He will not let you down, and would never set you up for failure.
I've taken some time to do a heart check this week, It's a good time since Mother's Day is in just a couple of days! I'm grateful to celebrate moms, especially mine, but my heart hurts for those that will be missing theirs this year. My heart aches for those, who like me, have empty arms. There's just something I can't explain that happens when your soul responds before you've had time to process it.

This year, we're going on our 7th year of trying for an earthly baby and our 10th year of marriage (woot! woot!). There's just something so profound, something so telling, when God trusts you to wait on His perfect timing. Through all that we have been through over the last few years, God has shown Himself faithful, God has shown Himself powerful, God has shown Himself GOOD. So who am I to disagree with His perfect timing? I may not like it, but He reminds me all the time that He knows that I don't like it... because He made me. When you have to walk through the fire as terrible as it is- it's nothing compared to walking out of it not even smelling of smoke. It's nothing compared to entering the fire, covered in rust and coming out refined. We don't want to wait for things, we want the testimony without the trial. But, it's in the trial, it's in the midst of the storm that we have the opportunity to see Jesus in a way we would never have before. We get to see the miraculous, we get to grow up, we get to lean in, it's where our ears learn how to tune into His voice.  It's where we let Him take our brokenness and multiply it into a life saving, heart altering ministry. If. We. Let. Him.

 He is after our hearts. We choose where our fixation lies. What a beautiful Love Letter, His Word is to us. And we have the opportunity to have a firm foundation that no matter what storms come, we will not break. We will breakthrough. I've learned that keeping the eyes of my heart on My Father and Who He is, has not always been easy as natural circumstances try to compete for their attention. It's something I have to be intentional about. But, it gets easier and His grace is so sufficient. You learn to wait, you learn to be slow to speak and quick to forgive, you learn to see people through His eyes and past their rudeness, and perhaps uncouth behavior to the brokenness. We all want to do our part and it's up to us to start with ourselves. We won't extend grace to others, if we can't extend grace to ourselves. We won't forgive others, if we can't forgive ourselves. We won't stop judging others, if we won't stop condemning ourselves. You see the pattern? So for me, I choose to extend myself grace, I choose to receive forgiveness and I choose to see myself the way God sees me. And He calls me "mother."

We all have our journey, and I sometimes think that people look at the walk Chris and I have had and think that it has been easy and that we're just strong people. But, I have to dispel this myth today. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it. It has not been our strength, but it has been His strength working through us. If anyone doesn't see that, then I haven't given enough glory to my Father. So, I'm doing this today! Whatever your journey is, you can do it! Keep running your race. You're doing such a great job. And I am cheering you on. His timing is perfect.

This is the first Mother's Day in a long time, where I don't feel dread. Instead, I feel seen. I feel hope. I'm encouraged by my ever-faithful Father that "when my baby is born, I will forget my pain, because of my joy" both physically and spiritually. You see, I face the temptation just like you. I have friends and family that were pregnant at the same time as me and I see their little adorable cheeks, chunky toddler legs and, yes I think about how ours would be 2 1/2 right now. This is the same for any mom that has suffered this loss. You will think about it sometimes. I sometimes still have to prepare my heart to shop in the baby section at Target and I definitely cry at all those cute diaper commercials (and laugh at the "all about that bass" one). I love children! It's my heart, my ministry, my joy. And yes, I do often feel like a mother without her child. I've actually recently just had surgery, and we're waiting on God to tell us whether to have another more intrusive surgery or work with a specialist, OR just wait. I have days where I'm frustrated for sure. But, I'm not anxious, we are covered by His grace and when you're in the fire, your teacher is "Contentment."

I just know that none of it compares to what my God is doing behind the scenes. It's just a season. We've actually had tougher, if you can believe that! I almost lost my life, Chris almost lost his. We've had financial hardships. But honestly, through it all He's been faithful! I can show you our bank account then and now, I can show our scars then and now. It's the truth! He's a restoring, redeeming God who is currently using what hasn't broken us, to break and sever what the enemy meant for evil. What we've tasted and seen is so very good.

So this year, I continue to sow. I rejoice with mothers and mothers-to-be. I will throw baby showers, I will pray for healthy babies and children and for grace for the mamas out there. I will encourage and lift them up and remind them that they're doing better then they think they are. I will speak the life over them that they so desperately need, I will babysit so you can have your date night, I will believe for you to have that baby you've been crying out to God for. I will pray that God restores your broken heart and blesses your marriage/brings you a husband. I will continue to do my part because it is my JOY! But, not because of my own strength, but because of His. You see, Chris and I are completely convinced that Who He is, is more than enough for us and more than enough for you.

There's so much joy to be had in the journey, there's so much peace that flows like a river, if we would only resist the temptation to busy ourselves with the natural when the supernatural is way more exciting. It is well with me.
Happy Mother's Day!

Priorities

You know that feeling when it seems like there is a surprise on its way? You have an inkling that people are throwing you a surprise party, but you don’t see any signs of it. But you have accidentally overheard some of the plans, but then everyone is acting all nonchalantly and you've maybe even  been invited to a “fancy” dinner, but no one has jumped out from behind the plants. Humph.

BUT…Wait for it… Wait for it… Wait for it…  I was watching a testimony of a woman that had PCOS and tried several attempts to conceive and even adopt. Finally she conceived naturally and was healed of all cysts. She said her desire to have a child had become an idol in her life, an obsession and she needed to right that. I remember a few years ago when I realized this was starting to happen with me and I was like TIME-OUT, whoa! No way am I letting this become an idol. God is my Number One. But I still think about it. I still pray about it. We still relentlessly pursue it and cry out for it. He is Number One, but we are petitioning for this thing.  Today I really wanted a word from God. He’s so faithful to clear my busy mind that is ever engaged in my schedule and things clamoring for my attention. I was praying over some things this morning and God kept bringing to mind how He cares way more about our obedience than our timing. How so many things take longer than necessary simply because we haven’t died to self in that area, we haven’t obeyed, we haven’t submitted.  NOT at all to say that we always go through seasons of waiting and/or hard times because of disobedience. Believers absolutely walking in obedience will still face trials that produce perseverance, which begets character and produces hope.  But, it’s a wonderful opportunity to get alone with God and ask Him not only to right the wrongs that have been done to us, but to right our hearts when going through it. What areas in my life and my heart, would you like to speak to, God? This morning I was brought to Leviticus 26. God was telling the Israelites the consequences of obedience VS disobedience. Pretty simple, obey and you’ll be blessed, disobey and not so much. Thank You, Jesus, that we live by grace and not by works, but obedience is still absolutely necessary if we want to see the fruit in our lives, if we want to see our land yield its crops, if we want to reap a harvest. Because He loves us too much to let us go the wrong way and because He wants to bless us. I’m so grateful that He widens the path before me, I’m so grateful that His love carries me. And that love has spoken into my heartbreak, into my concerns, into my pain and my doubts. “Keep Me your priority, and I will take care of the rest.” Ps. Robert spoke to a couple walking through infertility during our church’s presbytery services. He said “You’re gonna have a child. Just keep pursuing Him. Don’t let it consume you.” I knew this word was for us as well, because God has literally spoken those exact words to me. Normally, I really hate when people say “Don’t think about it and it will happen.” I just want to say um, that was easier the first couple of years, but we’re going on year 7, “not thinking about it” is not really an option. BUT I know their hearts are in the right place and there is some truth to it. He doesn’t ask us to push past our pain, He asks us to surrender our pain SO that we can continue onto the next leg. He doesn’t ask us to forget our God placed dreams and desires, He asks us submit them to Him. He wants us to keep petitioning. He wants us to activate the enduring hope we have in Jesus. He doesn’t want us to be paralyzed and wait till everything is just as we think it should be. He wants us to choose hope every day and surrender every single day. When we do this, our desires are in much better hands. This will help us to be relentless. We will command life within this barren land, we will take our authority over our situations and continue to trust His perfect timing, that He will be faithful. In Leviticus 26:4, He says, “ I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit.” And Vs. 9 says “I will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase your numbers…you will be eating last year’s harvest when you will have to move to make room for the new.” Today the Lord prompted me to feel. As I mentioned before God doesn’t ask us to push past our pain, He wants us to surrender it to Him. When these moments happen, I always cry. I know He catches every tear and replaces it with hope. The enemy would love for us to arduously dust ourselves off, put a band-aid on things and keep running. But God wants to remove the hindrances so that we can heal and move beyond our pain. He wants to redeem our pain. He wants us to take a time out so He can remind us that He sees us, remembers us, is thinking about us, is smiling down on us and is giddy with joy for all that He has for us. Today I surrendered more things in my heart and He is replacing them with more Truth. Today I cried out that God would use everything we have walked through to reach the masses. That our testimonies and future testimonies would touch lives and He would capture hearts through them. That those who might be thinking, “where is God? If He’s real, where is He?” will have the veil removed, chains broken and receive the enduring hope that we have. And today, although He loves that and wants that and I believe will absolutely honor that, He reminded me that He loves me more than those things. He reminded me that I’m His priority.

“There goes all my doubts
There goes all my pain
On that day You rose again
Sin no longer stains
There goes all my questioning
There goes all my fears
On that day of reckoning
Hope has reappeared” – Daniel Bashta

Dear Kids,

Mommy as a baby

Daddy as a baby

 

Kids, 

Daddy and I have been praying for you for a long, long time. God has been preparing and putting things in place for you for a long, long, long, long, long, long, loooooooooooong time, so I know you guys are a special gift from Him. I don’t know when you’ll arrive, I just know that you will.

Daddy and Mommy's Engagement

I want to take today to pray some things over you. First off, I want to tell you that your daddy is really silly, I mean like really silly. He makes Mommy laugh everyday. Daddy and I like to have fun and we like our routine, but most importantly we have grown so much in our years of waiting for you. Daddy is really becoming the father that God has called him to be. Your daddy is a strong leader who is very practical and easy to please. He loves to laugh and loves to be home, it’s his favorite place to be. Mommy loves kids, I mean like loves kids. But it’s important you know that she will not love any children more than you guys. You and daddy always come first. Mommy also loves to have fun and make friends. She loves her alone time, but she loves to go on vacations and see the world. I like to think that Daddy keeps Mommy grounded and Mommy keeps Daddy inspired. We’ve always been a good fit. Because Mommy and Daddy met when they were very young, they have had a lot of growing up to do. We love each other very much and God has strengthened us through some really tough times. As you know you are not our first children. Your big sibling is with Jesus having the time of his life with our Heavenly Father. But Mommy and Daddy are here still trusting God to bring you guys to our lives and I think this makes Him very happy. So on that note, here are the things I pray over you:

 I pray GOOD HEALTH over you! I pray that you will be full of laughter and joy. I pray you have infectious laughs and bring joy to every room you enter. I pray you are filled with giggles and have fun being silly with Daddy and me. I pray that you always know your worth. You see, because of our journey to receive you, Mommy and Daddy have met many people along our way who have also been praying for you and can’t wait to meet you. God is using your story already to display His glory. He has hand picked you guys just for us and the time of your arrival is the perfect time. You are so special to Him that He wants to celebrate you with as many people as possible and use your births as a testimony (that’s a big word, I’ll explain it later) of His goodness and His faithfulness. With that said, I pray that you are filled with faith, hope, purpose and confidence of who you are. I declare over you that you are world changers and warriors for the Kingdom of God. You will be friends to the friendless, bring Hope to the hopeless and be peace bearers to the angry and hurting. You are intelligent with a love for learning, but are humble with the knowledge you have, knowing that though you do not know everything, you have relationship with the One Who created everything. I speak over you that you will take correction and allow it to make you better. I pray that you will be slow to speak and quick to listen with hearts that forgive freely because you know you have been freely forgiven. I pray that you will be givers and wise with finances as well as being faithful with little. I pray that you allow God to bless your gifts and talents. Mommy and Daddy both love to write, Daddy is a wonderful artist, Mommy loves music, Daddy is VERY smart and Mommy loves to learn. Mommy did dance and sports growing up, and Daddy is very brave, joining the army and becoming a police officer. Your gifts and talents will go beyond what I can ask or think, but I pray that you allow God to use them for His glory. I pray you love to snuggle and let me read and sing to you. I pray you like vegetables and that you let other people (who Mommy and Daddy approve) hold you and love on you too. I pray that you talk with Jesus every day and walk in the innocence He desires for you. I pray that you don’t get frustrated when things are hard, because God will make you smarter and stronger through the hard stuff. We will definitely make mistakes (Daddy once Febreezed a baby because it had a little gas), but know we do work together with Jesus to be the parents He has called us to be. We pray that you will be brave, knowing that God is with you always in ALL things. 

 

(Now when you’re in Mommy’s womb (and know Mommy is praying for a boring, peaceful pregnancy) you will hear Mommy and Daddy talking to you a lot and you will also see that Mommy loves chocolate and doesn’t like to feel sick- especially not like last time. So let’s make a deal that if you let Mommy keep her food down, she will give in to your cravings- hopefully you’ll love pizza and Mexican food). Another thing, when you hear that big thing snoring in the background, that is not Mommy OR Daddy that is your big sister Molly. She will be a good big sister to you, just get ready for some doggy kisses. You will hear Daddy yelling “Sam! Sam! Get out of there!” a lot, (don’t worry he is not yelling at you), it’s because he is not too fond of your big brother Sam. You’ll understand soon enough. He gets into a LOT of stuff.

We can’t wait to meet you, snuggle with you and kiss you, and I pray that you know what your being here on this earth means to Mommy and Daddy.

I love you and look forward to holding you soon,   

Mommy

Ready to Dance

Anytime, you're waiting for something-no matter how long...it's hard. I know, I know, that is exponentially profound right? Whether it is a financial breakthrough, a healing, a spouse, a child, a new season...it doesn't matter, it's hard. God never said it wouldn't be hard, He just promised that He would be enough.

"Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." - Isaiah 40:31

I recently went to a freedom event at my church. For anyone, not familiar with this- this is not a political rally or protest. This is a time where you bring any and all hurts, and lies that you have believed about God or yourself to Him and you begin/continue in your journey of spiritual freedom. This is something we should be journeying in every day and these church events help us walk through it. It's almost like free counseling! Honestly, it's life changing. No matter what you have done or faced, you are not alone. You will see that what you are walking through, no matter how difficult or unjust, God has a response, a plan, and a  future for you exceedingly and abundantly above anything you could ever ask, think or imagine. (Ref. Eph. 3:20) I find that when we walk through seasons of waiting, it can feel like we're in a holding pattern. The cloud has led us here.....AND...now what? God is preparing the way and nothing is too hard for Him, but what are we supposed to be doing in the mean time? Well the answer is...much. We are to be praying without ceasing, we are to be having faith and doing good, we are to be the light of the world, we are to be fervently praying for others during their difficult seasons...but above all, we're to be seeking and growing. 

Three years ago, my husband took me ball room dancing for anniversary. Since I love to dance and I love to sing and I love music, I thought I would be super awesome and my husband would have a hard time. Ha, ha, ha, HA. I kept getting in trouble for trying to "lead" and getting ahead of the music. Chris did great, she kept telling him what  a great job he was doing. 'See, my husband is very practical and follows instructions very basically. I guess, I was just a little too zealous. But something the Lord showed me, was that I wasn't trusting that Chris would lead me and catch me. And that it's just so much easier and relaxing to dance when I just follow his gentle leading. "I hear You, God. I know where this is going." How often do we just want to skip ahead when God says, there is an important stepping stone right here. But, it's not easy to wait. I mean, it's just not. It's a daily choice. It's a daily faith walk. But...hold on...isn't that how we're supposed to live anyway? I love that God has a lot to say specifically about "waiting":

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD."- Psalm 27:14

"Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act..." -Psalm 37:7

 "Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you." -Psalm 33:20-22

Our Father is so sweet. There are countless more scriptures about waiting and hoping. He never tells us to wait without also having hope. He reminds us Who are hope is in and that we will be waiting for things. Many we won't see until we meet Him face to face, but He drops answered prayers and fulfills promises today for us as a reminder of what we have waiting for us in Heaven and a reminder of His faithfulness. 

The name of this blog: "Ready to Dance" came from my time at the aforementioned event during a time of prophetic music. The band just played what they felt the Spirit of Lord telling them to play- no words just music. I was in the middle of open heart surgery with the Lord when I got a clear picture. You see, I've been asking the Lord for more faith for things. And during this time, quite interestingly, He's actually been showing me what type of evil we're dealing with. He's been reminding me that Satan's goal is to "kill, steal and destroy" (Ref. John 10:10). I had a dream that our entire military force had been taken over by a world-wide enemy and the worst had happened to our country. It was a very scary time. I actually woke up and had a hard time going back to sleep. But when I did, this next dream showed God intervening and delivering that very powerful enemy into our hands. I immediately thought of the countless times in Scripture, God did this. I think it's easy for us now to read these verses, knowing the outcome, but at the time, they didn't. He is showing me how BIG He is, by reminding me how evil, evil is and that it's NO match. So during this time of prophetic music, I could see the enemy being cast out, not by us, but by an unseen Force. These evil spirits came up from the seats of the church and fled. Then I saw a procession of Angels coming into the sanctuary amid the sound of drums and in came the King of Kings. He was angry with injustice and He was dancing on it. God showed me lies that I had believed and then it was as if I shrunk down to a mini-sized version of myself inside of my body and began taking authority over everything, casting out all lies. 

This week marks 2 years since we lost our one and only baby. And while it is hard, it's becoming easier. I can't help but see all around me, every single thing that God has done through waiting and trials. I can't help but rejoice in His goodness and His faithfulness! I can't tell our story of what we've walked through without also sharing what God has done and is doing. What an opportunity to share how real and loving and faithful our God is. I won't pretend to not be sad about it, but by God's grace, because of hope and the joy of the Lord...because of the Hand I hold, because of the everlasting provision, promises and because my Father is the King of all Kings for Whom nothing and no one is a match, Who makes a way where there is no way, I will dance! 

How about you?

“I Call You 'Mother'”

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”- Phil. 4:6

 

I don’t know about you, but I believe that there are different levels of want. I recently watched a video compilation of toddlers throwing temper tantrums of varying degrees to varying situations. Most of the time, the child was screaming and sour faced because their parent wouldn’t let them have something that would have been harmful to them. In some cases, the child was crying and devastated because of misunderstandings ie: looking for their rubber ducky that is sitting on top of their head, or not being able to move a chair because their giant dog was obliviously sprawled out sleeping directly in front of it creating a barricade. Regardless, these were teachable moments. Either the child needed to trust that mommy and daddy knew what was best, or they at least needed to stop crying long enough to hear simple instruction. They wanted to get from “A” to “B” without yielding to a process. Whether that be maturing and developing to a place where they would be able to handle/be equipped for something they weren’t previously able to or to simply follow some guidance that would help them.

Fast forward a few decades to being an adult. Over the last couple of years, I have been on a journey of learning how to be “expectant” without being “anxious”.  If you are a human being, you undoubtedly have been tested in the area of patience. You more than likely have had a desire for something for which you couldn’t skip ahead to the front of the line. You most definitely have not always gotten what you wanted (and if you have, I want to talk to you because I need to know how your lifestyle allows this!). But for the sake of the point of today’s entry, you may have had a desire, that you know is God-given, only to wait on a heavenly timing that somehow is not synched up to your earthly one.

“God knows what is best”, “all in His timing”, "if He's called you to it, He will bring you through it", may be familiar encouragements and sentiments to you as well as myself. And while these are completely true, the question remains, “Okay, Lord, how do I wait? How do I continue to believe without submitting my faith to worry and anxiety?” I know the way we wait is just as important, if not MORE important to God, than the thing for which we're actually waiting.We're more interested in "getting there" and "moving forward" while He is much more interested in the refining and the developing. And the While Chris and I have prayed and desired for children for a little over 5 ½ years, this has something the Lord has been faithful to walk me through. While we have never completely lost faith, our faith light has had varying sizes, from a small light that would be enough to guide you step by step, to a passionate blaze that can be seen for miles. I want to be in such a place that my faith remains passionately ablaze no matter what things look like. I not only want to trust the process, but I also want to yield to it and I want to grow through it.

Although, I’ve never met her, Charlotte Gambill (Pastor at Life Church in the UK) has been a wonderful sister to me. It never fails that what I’ve dealt with or will deal with after I’ve heard one of her sermons will come into perspective through the Truths she shares. Recently, I was able to listen to a sermon she preached a few years ago about “your perspective”. She shared her journey of infertility, what God showed her through that time and how she overcame. It was a blessing to me to hear how she, a pastor’s wife and conference speaker who travels the globe inspiring and encouraging women to be all that God has called of them, dealt with some of the same raw emotions as me. She talked about being in a worship service once, with her back to the rest of the congregation, when God spoke to her (who was in the midst of fertility treatments herself) to pray for the couple behind her to have a baby. “Nope! Uh-uh, it’s my time! I’m just going to stand here and praise with my arms in the air” she shared was her reply to God’s direction as she joked about how no one knew, that she was actually being disobedient in that moment. But, God spoke to her and said, “Plant a seed for someone else”. (This couple of course became pregnant!) She talked about how God showed her how to persevere and that He would be faithful. She talked about how if she hadn’t gone “the long way around”, she would not reach every single person that God wanted to bless when she did receive her answered prayer. They knew that no matter what the doctor’s said, it just couldn’t be the “final word”, because that title belonged only to God’s Word. Of course, now they have two beautiful children, and during that journey, God was building, God was equipping, God was molding, God was lining things up to be in their proper place for not only Charlotte and her husband for everyone He brought to their path. How many times have I heard the Lord say to me, “Plant a seed. I know you want this for yourself, but plant a seed for someone else.” ? More than I can count. But, every time I’ve been obedient in this area, I have been blessed and get more excited for the future! His grace and strength has brought me to this point and it has increased my faith, but there was a process. 

At church this weekend, our Pastor spoke about how we often judge God based on disappointments when He’s not even through with us yet. His timing, His way…is perfect. We can’t pretend we know what’s best, when we’re the creatED, not the CreatOR. He sees what we do not and He most certainly will get the glory. With all that God has shown me over the years, what finally brought me freedom, was during a quiet day in my heart where I had told my soul to “be still”, I asked the Lord, “do you think I’ll be a good mother? Am I good enough? Are we just not where we need to be, yet? I know that we're parents to a baby in Heaven, but we're here on Earth." He gave me a vision of the way He sees me and said “I call you ‘mother’. You already are a great mother, because I’ve called you to it.” This allows me to finish my journey strong. This allows me to wait on His timing, while preparing, while getting our “ducks in a row”, being “expectant” in what He will do…but knowing I don’t have to wait to walk in this role I felt He called me to? That has freed me. His grace is sufficient. He is all I need. 

For anyone waiting on a promise, ask Him how He sees you. It will be enough. You may not like where you are, it may not seem fair, you may not understand, but we have such a limited understanding and perspective. So stay close to Him “in Whom are hidden all the wisdom and treasures of knowledge” (Col. 2:3) and who knows you, “You have searched me and known me…you discern my thoughts from afar (Psalm 139:1-2). What is your process? What is this teachable moment for you? Is it the need to plant seeds for others? Is it to create a fire in you? Is it to deepen and strengthen your trust for a bigger picture? Is it simply that He's waiting for you to open your hand and let go? Is it so that you can share your testimony and bring others to Jesus? (yes, by the way). If you’re in the midst of “the long way around” as Charlotte says, it’s for a purpose bigger than you can see. Be expectant, be excited, but let God carry the burden of timing. Be preparing, but let God…  

I referenced Charlotte Gambill. If you do not know who she is. you need to! Here is her website: http://charlottegambill.com/

"And I Can See a Light that is Coming for the Heart that Holds On..."

These lyrics from one of my favorite Matt Redman songs resonate so deeply in my heart. "The heart that holds on..." He is obviously talking about a heart that through physical eyes has seen cause to lose faith, but has kept trusting. A heart that has walked through storms. A heart that has been broken, hurt or overwhelmed, but has leaned into the Light to see what is True.

Getting dumped on.
There's the type of dumping that involves extra work being unloaded on you right when you were about to clock out for the day. There's the type that happens when someone is having a hard day and they relieve all of their emotions on you. Then there's the type where life gives you so many lemons that you smell of citrus for months. You can either let your face sour from the invisible tartness so fragrant in your mouth or you can make endless amounts of lemonade from which you can draw for a lifetime. Whichever imagery seems more enticing to you, you have a choice.

Humanism is an interesting thing. It wants the same results as freely given to us in the Word of God, but it chooses to reconcile situations within human limitations. Many draw upon the human spirit to get them through the "dumpings" of life, and don't get me wrong, we are made in His image and He has made us fearfully and wonderfully, but to limit ourselves to the creat-ed... the well will run dry at some point. I choose to draw upon the Holy Spirit within me that was given to me as a gift, as my Helpmate, as my Guide, as my Strength and Power. A Fountain that will never run dry.

We still have choice. I've had several opportunities over the past couple of years especially, where if I relied only on human reasoning and fickle strength, I would be done. Facing loss in many forms and trials and storms back to back, you find out what you really believe about yourself and God. I found that God knew all along what I was made of (considering He formed me), but more so wanted me to see it. And He wanted me to see that we find more of what we're made of, when we know more of what He's made of. He wanted to bring forth His strength within me. He wanted His power to be made perfect in all of my weakness and to be exercised from a place of audacious determination.

I have a choice. I can choose to seek Him desperately and pour out my heart's perfume at His feet. I can choose to believe and agree with His Word that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I can choose to stand on His promises for me. Most importantly I can decide today, that I will receive His Words for me and will exhibit His love to EVERYONE because they need it. I can allow His joy to overtake me and spill over onto others. I could choose to be alert and awake  and spy with my little eye miracles and provision, hearts being changed, a world being changed, freedom from bondage and prayers being answered. I can purpose to walk in the piece of the destiny He has for me today, knowing it all fits into His design for me and the world, and to not be anxious about it.

Had I chosen to lie on the floor of the boxing ring and allow the floating pieces of my broken heart and broken spirit to be absorbed within my human spirit and left them there, I would be on a mission to prove myself to everyone. I would be operating out of bitterness and lack of understanding. Had I chosen to say "Well, I guess I'm the only one I can trust."  How limited would the possibilities have been. But, there is something to say about the human spirit that God did give us. It has the freedom of choice. We choose to give up and give in. Or we choose to say "I will persevere, develop character and claim my hope in this. I will get my fruit. I will allow God to teach me, train me and refine me for the greater purpose in all of this and I will make room for miracles. I will choose to see everything and everyone from His perspective knowing that the wisdom of God is "first of all pure, then peaceful, gentle, obedient, filled with mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." (James 3:17) When my human spirit submits to the Holy Spirit, the possibilities are endless.

As I look at my digital calendar, my husband and I have a lot of upcoming things. You know how when you look at the calendar on your phone, you can look at a day and each event is represented by a dot? Well, that's how it looks on my phone anyway! I have days that just have one "dot" and I have days that have dot, dot, dot, ... In essence a lot sort of  "dumped" on me all at once! But my heart smiles, knowing His purpose in each season I've walked. I'm so happy to be here, I'm so blessed by what God has done, continues to do and will do.
Each dot, when thinking about God's provision and blessing that has brought us through so much, to me, represents pitchers and pitchers of lemonade.

Romans 3:3-5

"Invisible Assistants": Being Busy for God, Shouldn't Make Us Too Busy for God

It's incredible how many thoughts, ideas and "to do's" are competing for my attention the moment my body awakes in the morning. I don't even have to open my eyes. It's as if my invisible "assistants" are standing next to my bed watching me sleep, pens and notepads in hand, just holding their breath until I make that first "awakening" stir. "Okay, she's up! Now Mrs. Bickers, remember you have this, this and this to prepare next week and for tomorrow, remember tomorrow's meeting (you're running that remember?) you need to mention this, this and this. OH and don't forget this." " Mrs. Bickers, don't forget all that you need to take care of at home today. You need to set this out, and tomorrow you're taking this meal here and next week, you're taking that meal there. And don't forget all of these errands that need to get taken care of." "Mrs. Bickers (interrupts the other "assistants mid sentence") , I know all of that is important, but we need to work on our blogs and other ideas we had talked about. Remember that? And this? Oh and I had this wonderful NEW idea!"In the midst of it all, I see My Father standing there, " oh Hi!!" I say. It's as if I'm welcoming Him into a busy office or bustling home where my invisible kids are running around playing and I have several projects going. "Please, come in, Father, excuse this mess. Do you have kids? Oh, what am I saying, of course You do! Please have a seat, I want to hear all about what You have to say!"

I'm so grateful for grace.

As life picks up and things are in motion, this is the type of scene that plays over and over in my mind. Lately the Lord has been challenging me with giving me more opportunities and responsibilities and STILL not making them idols before Him. I have had to tell, no COMMAND my soul to be still and my mind to rest because NO other thing comes before my time with My Jesus. Just as my responsibilities call my name first thing in the morning and seemingly stare at me until I awake, My Father sings over me while I sleep and looks over me lovingly and adoringly saying "I am taking care of every detail. You don't need to worry. You do however NEED Me first thing." We, as women are pulled in many directions- I mean if you look at the woman described in Proverbs 31, she has many responsibilities: a mother and wife who is tending to her household, the poor and the city. She is stewarding money and property as well as providing meals and sowing seeds galore...just to name a few. But, what does Solomon end this chapter by saying? "A woman who FEARS the Lord is to be praised".
As women who fear the Lord, our responsibilities are great, but our strength comes from Him. We were NOT meant to carry the burdens, just His truth and love. He is challenging me to lay those pressing things down every morning and to refuse to let them weasel their way to first place. This may be a constant laying down throughout the day as well, but He knows what needs to be done and He will make sure it gets done. But we don't want to miss that neighbor that God may want us to speak to. We don't want to miss that prompting from the Holy Spirit to walk through our home and into our kid's rooms and speak the Word of God over them. We don't want to miss Him whisper to us a Word of hope for someone or a song of encouragement to our hearts. The enemy will always try to keep us too busy for God when He can't get us to stop doing things for God. But when we say, "This morning, I lay it all down. I know my husband/child/family member is sick or in the hospital. I know I have lots of deadlines staring at me. I know I have a trip planned or some events to prepare for. And I know YOU know all of this and are bigger than all of it. So I love You, Father. I want YOU above all of it. What is on Your heart today?" You will feel all of those things filter off of your being. He will wipe away things that are
not important and place those things that are in a Heavenly order giving you the rest and endurance to accomplish them with excellence, not weariness. " Martha opened her home to Him. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet...'Martha, Martha'", the Lord answered, " you are worried and upset about many things but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.'" Luke 10:39&41

Father, I welcome You into my mess,projects and crazy schedule and greet you just as I am. You have gifted this day to me and I do not take it for granted. This is the day that You have made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. And I will seek Your kingdom first. None of these other things matter without You anyway, so they can always wait. I don't just want to welcome You, but want to welcome You with my red carpet of praise every morning. I never want time with You to be an after thought, but the first thought that I have every morning. I want to be a woman after Your own heart. Then send me into the world to love it and shake it up or You.

Look Up

This literally happened this weekend. I don't typically share dreams or other spiritual visions unless I feel like Jesus wants me to and if so, I know it is for a purpose. I feel that there is someone that must need this encouragement today too. <3

I had a dream. Chris and I were on a trip and we were on a long stretch of highway when we saw dark, ominous clouds that looked to be one of the largest tornadoes ever seen. And inside it looked to be several small twisters wrapped inside. I remember in my dream I said there were “eight” twisters inside. The sunlight turned to rain and we took a detour into some woods where we found a house that others were hiding out in. We grabbed our pets and went in to find shelter, all the while praying. The next part is blurry, but it seems as though, we had just gathered our things and gone inside the old, wooden log cabinesque home, when before we had time to look for somewhere to take cover, we noticed the sounds of the storm had stopped. I noticed people standing on the balcony, so I joined them. As I made my way toward to open French doors, sunlight met me and there was not a storm cloud to be found. In fact it was silent and beautiful. While everyone was looking around, taking it in. I looked up. I saw what used to be funnel clouds reformed and shaped to be a part of some sort of picture. My eyes widened and my head tilted further back to take in the entirety of the picture. There were even new colors I noticed. My whole being jolted and my heart beat rapidly, overwhelmed. Without removing my focus, I said to the others “do you see what I see?” Conversations interrupted, they each looked up as well and echoes of awe and wonder could be heard. The storm clouds were reshaped to take on the form of Jesus. The twister clouds took shape into a strong and mighty torso and the other clouds chiseled his face and hair. This picture took up the entire sky. His eyes were piercing and His being was beaming peace and joy down on us. I remember His smile and His eyes very clearly. It was an expression of “peace” but also power and authority somehow wrapped into Fatherly love as if to say “I’m proud of you”. The next day, I hadn’t really thought much about this dream, there was a lot going on and it wasn’t until I saw some rain clouds outside that I was reminded of it. I began to tell Chris “I had this crazy dream last night…” and it wasn't until the moment I said “ and the storm stopped and was replaced with Jesus’s figure” that I realized this was a dream given to me by My Jesus. I immediately knew in my heart that this was His reminder that this storm is will pass. But I continued praying to seek what other things the Lord might be saying...Jesus calmed the storm in my dream as we took shelter. But, maybe the storm was still going on…and we just didn’t notice because we were looking up. The storm took on a new shape and formed into our Protector and our Defender. He took up our entire sky and gave us peace and joy. For Chris and me the Lord has been giving us words and starting to reveal open doors. And even though He does not even have to, is showing us why some doors have been shut, thus revealing His protection. He is reassuring us that our promised land is near. But even more importantly than that, this

dream is a picture of our journey through the storm. We were on our way to a destination, but heavy storms came and Jesus rerouted us. We were scared at first, but before we had time to try to hide, He encouraged us to come out and play in His peace and His joy. We quickly saw that if we keep our eyes up, He is bigger and greater and in control of this storm. We might not have known how long this particular storm would be, but He wanted us right here, under His rays of sunshine while we walked through it. This is a picture of all us. The testimony is the sustaining us, the building us, the deep wells of character and truth, the deliverance and the protection through the storms of life. Knowing that He’s for you no matter what. The testimony is what happens from the time the storm comes to the time it passes…not just

that it passes. This is what encourages, inspires and takes authority over the powers of darkness. In this world filled with hopelessness and despair where people are turning to pills, alcohol, their own fleshly desires to make them happy and whole; In a place where bad things happen and evil “seems” to be winning….this world needs to know how powerful their Creator is. They need to look up and see. They need to taste and see. They need a testimony of someone that has walked through it, felt all of the same things, thought all of the same things, but has a Savior that replaces lies with truth and demonstrated His provision and love time and time again. They need the unedited testimony and that every step of it, He was faithful and just to do what He promised. And always will.

Being in the "No"

When things don't make sense on paper. When 2 +2 doesn't seem to equal 4. When things that have worked in the past don't seem to be working this time and friends' advice has been exhausted. Yeah, that.

Yet, I have this abiding faith within me, this glorious hope that gives me joy that I have no right to have. When things in our life have seemed crazier and crazier and just don't seem to let up... this means my faith has to be even crazier than that. I've set my sights on My Way-maker and My "Puzzle-put-togetherer". I've been doing this for so long now that when I look only at my circumstances, I get lost. I don't even know where I am, because it only makes sense from His perspective.

I've been running this particular stretch for so long, that I've become used to it. Used to it's sights and smells. I know when I need water now, so I have the right amount by my side. I know when it's time to walk it off, take a breather, stretch. But not for too long, because I'm going somewhere. When you begin a rigorous workout routine... whether it's running, weights, yoga, squats...it's so hard at first you want to throw up. But when you keep at it, your legs can bare more weight, your arms take definition, your core is strengthened...you can see the progress and it encourages you not to quit. Your body begins to respond to the level of health it was always designed to have and we become the healthier selves, we were always created to be. Particularly when I'm running, I like to know how many miles I've run. (Wait. MileS... plural? Who am I kidding?) I like to know how far I've gone, the progress and how much further I have to go so I can give myself a mental pep talk. I can see an end and I can encourage myself all the way to the finish. But in this spiritual race, that's been part of the challenge. I can see how far I've come. I can see the progress, but I

have no idea where the end is. I'm not one of these runners that just "loves a good jaunt" and doesn't even keep track of distance. " I don't know, I think I ran like 14 miles. It just felt so good, I didn't even notice." Nope. Uh-uh. I need to know the end and encourage myself every step of the way. I don't see an end in sight, yet I can hear the crowd cheering. I don't know where this path is taking me, but I know the promises that are waiting for me on the other side. I hear my Jesus. He is right beside me on this path of disappointment. On this path filled with adversity and He is encouraging me to keep going. "But, I don't know where I'm going!" I'll say. "I do...and trust Me, you want to get there."

Chris and I have had about 20 months now of more "no's" than I thought we could ever handle. More disappointments than I ever thought I would endure. It's been so long since we have heard a "yes" that we see how precious open doors are and how very valuable they truly are. When I worked in sales, we always talked about the law of averages. "For every 10 'no's', you'll get a 'yes'." Well in this real life stuff, that ratio doesn't quite carry over. But in the midst of the "no's", in the midst of adversity, we keep our eyes set on the One Who never disappoints. Although events in our life have questioned that, He's come closer to us than He ever has. He has lifted us up and with His purposeful and gentle care has put broken pieces back together. He's apart of this journey. He's the reason for it. We are a cord of three that cannot easily be broken. We don't know where we're going. We don't have ANY answers, but we know that He has asked us to journey into the promised land. We know, that just like Joshua and the Israelites, we have to put one foot in front of the other and trust that He will open up the way before us. Just like the bleeding woman, we have to be filled with determination to carry ourselves to Him, knowing His presence is all we need. We need to be like Mary Magdalene, who filled with despair and confusion after Jesus' crucifixion, knew only one thing...she needed to be beside Him.

When things don't make sense on paper. When 2 +2 doesn't seem to equal 4. When things that have worked in the past don't seem to be working this time and friends' advice has been exhausted. Yeah, that. It can only mean one thing. "This day I will magnify thee in the sight of Israel , that they may know that , as I was with Moses, so I will be with Thee. " (Josh. 3:6) We need to make our preparations, we need to get ready, purge things we don't want to take with us and polish things we are taking with us. We need to hear, believe and obey. I've learned in these trials that if there is a door that God doesn't want opened, no man will be able to pry it open. And honestly, it has only given me the assurance that with every door He DOES open, no man or enemy in Hell will be able to stop it.

This is what I know when in the midst of "no" land: more commonly referred to as "the wilderness". I can see how far we've come. He took my wobbly legs that stood with tenacity after crushing disappointment and made them enduring legs. I can see the form, shape and definition of my spiritual self which I hope comes out to others. I can look back and see this faith filled journey and all of the fruit that has sprung while in the valley as I become the healthier, stronger me, He created me to be. 'One that will not shut up about His goodness. No matter what.

"I've got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim" - Francesca Battistelli

Killing the Monster of "Why Me?" Why I Celebrate Easter.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corin 9:24

Lately the Lord has been speaking to me about the race that my husband and I have been in for (if I had to put into calendar terms) 18 months. He's been specifically reminding me that we are in a marathon not a sprint. "Take it one day at a time. This is the day I have made for you. Rejoice in today knowing what's to come is worth rejoicing over as well. Ask Me for your daily bread. Live for today." But without Him this is impossible. The journey, the perseverance, the cries for breakthrough, the seeking His wisdom...still we have not yet seen that tangible breakthrough. But, He is my hope. My source of strength. My glass of refreshing water, the "replenisher" of  my soul and strength. I thanked Him recently for this abiding faith within me that keeps me going, even when I feel like quitting. But, He reminded me that I have it because I guard it, I water it, I feed it, He helps me to fight for it. "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God" (Rom. 10:17), so in order to do this, I need to hear from Him as much as possible every single day. 

To detail the race that we have been in, let me expound. We began our journey to having children in August of 2008. My husband was still in the military and we were living at West Point Military Academy. We knew we were supposed to end our time of active duty, but it could only be done with faith. Faith that God would show us what to do next. We would step out in faith and trust. We both felt that Chris was to apply to be a police officer. His father and his father's father were police officers. And unlike some family dynamics where the son has no choice but to follow certain patterned expectations in their family, Chris actually desired and dreamed of one day being a civilian police officer (he was a military police officer). We moved back to Texas in 2010 and God worked everything out for us rather quickly. I found a great job soon and Chris was able to apply and be hired by a police department shortly after his military pay ran out. But toward the end of 2011 things started shifting. He lost his job and we were devastated. But, I immediately heard the Lord say "I'm protecting him" as clear as day. We knew that God would provide and take care of us, still this was hard. Then in January of 2012, we found out something that would prove to push everything else aside...we were pregnant! But we lost our baby that March. Disappointment.Since then, my husband has been on countless interviews with all sorts of jobs and nothing has panned out. He has made it all the way to the very end where we all just knew this was it...just to find out after months of the interviewing process, he didn't get it. Disappointment. In my last blog I talked about how I am in the "deep end" with the Lord and because of this, He is asking me to deal with feelings that I have pushed aside. So many times I think "how can I do this? This is so hard!" And in my flesh I sometimes wonder "why?" "Why us?" "Why me?". "My husband is faithful and honorable in everything he does, You know that. I would make a good mother wouldn't I?" For anyone that has walked through a tough long season of testing,  I believe God wants to kill the monster of the "why me?" by answering that question for you, like He has for me. The enemy likes to make us feel like we're being punished or that something is wrong with us. LIES. He tries to steal our joy and make us fear hoping for the unseen for fear of disappointment. But God never lets us down. He's asked me to bring Him my questions and my disappointment. No more lies. 

I have been very blessed to be able to teach an equipping class at our church for 3rd and 4th grade girls. I always pray and ask the Lord to show me what He wants to show "us girls" each session and this session it has been "identity". Last week the Lord laid on my heart to have each girl sit in a princess chair that we have in one of our class rooms that has "always a princess" printed on it. After our discussion, each girl took turns sitting in the chair and the rest of us girls edified, encouraged and lifted her up in truth. The girls couldn't wait until it was their turn because just like we love and need encouragement as adults, so, so, SO do these precious girls. When we were done, I was ready to pray and the girls kept saying "Ms. Kyndl, it's your turn! You're next! You have to sit in the chair too!" I was very reluctant. I mean, what if someone walked in and saw me sitting on a "throne" with the girls I'm supposed to be teaching saying things to me?!"

 But they insisted saying "excuses, excuses" (3rd and 4th grade girls are very persistent). When I did, they said sweet things to me and that they liked my class, but one little girl spoke something directly from the Lord. She had already taken her turn to speak, but said "Wait, I have something else!" Not knowing ANYTHING that I have been recently walking through she said this: "Like, just even when bad things happen to you, you don't let it keep you down. You just....keep going...". She also mentioned about how I still love Jesus no matter what. My heart just started beating really fast as I tried to fight back tears. It was amazing. I asked the Lord to expound on this.

The next day, I was working with the children that come to church while their moms attend life group. Our speaker was giving the salvation message and my job was to just sort of do crowd control and help kids that need to go to the bathroom etc. So I get to pay attention, but with one ear on the kids. Sometimes because of this, I miss some things that he says. But the Lord made sure I heard one part. When he was talking about what Jesus endured that day, how gross and horrible it was...and how at any time He could have stopped. At any time, He could have said "I just can't do it. I change my mind"...but instead "He kept going". He used the same words the precious little one said about me. When it all came together for me, it was beyond humbling. "You think I don't know about perseverance? I am the one abiding in you. It's Me that is your abiding faith. I feel it all, My pain on the earth and yours. My pain on the earth that was for you." Whoah. Humbled. Churched. Schooled. However, you want to put it, I had it handed to me. But not in a condemning way, in a way filled with overwhelming love, overwhelming truth. He reminded me that there was a point to His perseverance and that I am no different. We are running this marathon together and the promises He has spoken were then created and are in full motion for my future. There is a greater purpose in all of this and as my husband and I continue to live each day counting our blessings and counting on Him, I am bubbling over with excitement because of the greatest act of perseverance ever demonstrated. And because of that I get to hope for things unseen. I get to have assurance of my future...not just in Heaven but on this earth. Joseph Prince said once that "believing in miracles honors what He did for us." He died so that we too could persevere. 

In the afternoons I get to work at an elementary school. There is a 2nd grade boy who has a little sister that has had leukemia and for the last couple of years (at least) has not been able to come in and be with the other children. I would watch her stand outside the glass door trying really hard to see what the children were doing and who the children were. She would longingly look through the window and wave to us. We so wanted
 to hug her, but we couldn't. She's now in kindergarten, and just as recently as a few weeks ago has been freed to come in and be with us and the children and will start in our program soon!  When she first came in the room, she didn't just walk in, she didn't hide behind mom, she ran in! She looked at all of the art stuff, played on the scooters, hugged her friends. I've never seen such a big and grateful smile on any child. Her hair is starting to grow back and honestly it's hard to think of anyone more beautiful. But talk about perseverance. Because of Him, we can believe for healing. Because of Him we can look through the glass door to our future with expectancy and anticipation. Even if the waiting part is hard. Seems lonely. Isn't how you thought things were going to go...His grace is sufficient for all. We can run and play now and when those doors of breakthrough are finally open, how much more grateful we will be now, knowing what it took to get there. How grateful I am for my Jesus, knowing what it took to get here. 

Jumping In and Killing Monsters with the Best of 'Em

I’m in rehab. You wouldn’t know it. I look just like you. Just like me. I still go about my days. I still go to the store. Serve in the church. Serve in my lifegroup. Am a wife. A daughter. A sister. An aunt. A friend. But, I’m in rehab. Spiritual rehab. The Lord has led me into the deep places of freedom and just like with any therapy, there is some discomfort. There is soreness in between sessions. There are places that He is prying open in my heart. Although, I personally have never been to a rehabilitation center, I know that this is rehab. Part of the medical definition for rehabilitation is: treatment of certain injuries; restoring capabilities that may have been lost during injuries. Having walked with Jesus for 25 years, there are areas that I have left undusted and therefore had forgotten that they were there because of the culmination of the elements. I have walked through experiences that have shaped me. And God is showing me that I instead need to let Him shape me through those experiences. When He knocked on the door to that secret place of my heart. I almost didn’t know which door it was. You see, no one ever knocked on that door. I went through the rooms of my heart, opening the doors as I carried myself through the maze of rooms. “Okay, not in here.” “Not this one either.” “Okay, so not the door of faith this time? Hmph. That’s usually where He’s knocking. But, I hear it. Where is it coming from?”  Trying to follow His all too familiar knock. I know that’s definitely Daddy at the door. “Daddy, which door are you trying to come through?!”. Then, I realized it. “Oh that door? I’d all but forgotten about this door. I’m going to have to make my way through the cobwebs and boxes stacked in front of it.” Then as I neared it, I felt dread. Not like scary dread. Like it’s the day before finals dread. I just want to get this over with and feel the relief that always comes afterward. But, I knew it wasn’t going to be as simple as that.  A wave of Truth came over me. “It’s time to deal, Kyndl.”  You see there was a door to my heart that needed to be unlocked. There was a place that I had kept worry and fear, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy that I had locked away refusing their company. But my Father knew, I needed to be free of those. I mean, when you put something in storage…eventually it has to come out. This is that day. Because I love and trust my Father, I said “Okay, Lord.” And asked Him to show me what I was so afraid of. Why was I so concerned? The Lord has spoken directly to the fear that I will not ever get to be a mother to an earthly baby. He’s spoken SO directly about His promises and has given me real hope. I asked Him to confirm these words…just because ( I guess it was the Gideon in me). He did. When I still felt too scared to fully believe that yes, this is happening. He told me “you don’t need another word from me. You just need to believe the one I’ve already given”. This is where my journey started. This #Killing Monsters movement happening right now is completely Spirit led. The lifegroup my husband and I are co-leading is even walking through a freedom curriculum through our church. God has opened the floodgates in me already and that was even before this movement. I believe this is a year of breakthrough and I asked the Lord to show me what was blocking me from fully receiving that His promises will in fact come to pass. “This is ridiculous” I thought. “I’m done, fighting it, Lord! I’m SO done!” This is when He showed me a parallel in my life.

When I was 7 years old. I went to church camp. At this point in life, I had no fear of water ( I didn’t even know there was a such thing), but an experience that summer reshaped me. My parents said I was fearless of water up until this point. I even took “water baby” classes, where they would put you in water in your early years of life and let you play and splash about. But, I began to develop ear infections, so my parents took me out of swim classes. Even remembering how truly painful the infections were, I still had no fear. So this particular summer in my 7^th year of life, I went for it. We were in a lake where I had been wearing a life jacket the majority of the time and with its help swam to a floating dock in the middle of the lake. I sat with my little friends and basked in the sun when many of the kids began jumping into the lake treading water. It looked super fun! So I decided to take off my life jacket and do just as they had. “I mean they can do it, so can I, right?” Not understanding at this time that there are lessons involved in treading water, I went for it. Only I had a hard time coming to the surface. It was much deeper than I expected. And, I was used to pools where I knew there was a bottom somewhere, and here there was no bottom…the panic began to set in. My friends had not realized that I was drowning at this point, but I tried to doggy paddle my way to the surface and when fear set in, began flailing about. Finally a little girl, 6 years old, at the time came to try to help me and she was struggling as well. I kept trying to yell, “Help! Help!” to the two lifeguards that were on duty. But, my mouth kept swallowing water. Finally they sensed something was wrong, but just kept looking at each other as if to say “Are you gonna go? Do you want me to go? Okay, which one of us is going?” The longer they made their decision the more I felt hopeless. Fear had a hold of me and I was drowning in it. Finally one of the lifeguards made her way to me and lifted me out of the water onto her shoulders. It was a difficult day for me. I didn’t expect that sort of thing to happen, but I let this little experience shape me. Looking back, I know I would have been okay because the lifeguards were so close by, but those seconds of not knowing and feeling like all was lost shaped me. As I write this closing in on my 32^nd year of life, I still struggle with this fear. And of course, I married into a “swim team” family who on all family trips to the lake look uniform in their flips, dives and treading water skills while I humorously inch my body onto a float, legs ungraciously in the air, body contorted in unflattering ways, as I hold onto the dock with one hand and try to get onto the float with my legs. The Lord showed me all of this and said “this is the year.” You see, it’s time for me to jump into the deep end with reckless abandon, trusting that He will be right next to me and not let me drown. Well, let me rephrase that: the only drowning that will be happening is in His grace. He asked me to picture myself  in a 15 foot deep end of the pool. Yeah, He couldn’t say “just picture yourself in a pool that is maybe 5’ or 6’", because He knows that is not a problem for my 5’ 2” height. I enjoy that depth and I’m even CPR certified to help others in case they have a problem. But “Oohh…that end?” He knew to say the “the deep end”. He asked me to walk myself through the experience of  jumping in and trying to swim to the top. He told me to tell Him all that I felt through every step. So I closed my eyes and pictured it. “ Okay my heart is beating really hard and fast and my stomach is in knots because I’m about to jump in.” “Good,” He says, “What’s next?” “I jump into the pool and panic sets in. It’s dark. I can’t breathe, the surface looks too far. I’m afraid I don’t have enough time to get to the top. I’m afraid I’m going to breathe in water and choke. But I’m swimming as fast as I can to the top. I finally make it, albeit exhausted and swim over to the nearest side of the pool to rest, breathing out deep breaths of relief.” “Okay, great job. This ends our first session. You did great!”. “Huh?” I thought, “that was it?!” There’s not going to be an added word to this, an added meaning? This is when I felt Him say, “You’ve just jumped into the deep end. You’re in it now, treading water with Me.”  So here I am. In the deep end with the Lord. It’s unfamiliar, and somehow comforting at the same time. I know breakthrough is the only way out. I don’t have a fear of heights, or flying and even though I don’t like spiders or snakes, at least, I can just run away from them. You could also say “ hey, I’m taking you sky diving tomorrow” and I’d think that was fun. But mention swimming in deep waters, white water rafting, canoeing, tubing…woah, woah, woah, hold the phone, shut the door, pull on the E brake, hands out in front me in a “keep your distance” stance, “what?”.   The only way to get through that is to swim through it. And I don’t like that so much. You see miscarriage, major job loss and other painful losses have shaped me. The Lord has walked me through it all and has been my “rod and my staff”. He has demonstrated miraculous, unwavering faithfulness and I sing to Him even louder with voices of triumph. But aww man, there is still some scarring. There are some injuries that need extra therapy. There are also old wounds of insecurity and self-doubt. He is the healer of my scars and loves me enough to not let me go another day with them. 1 John 4:8 says “His perfect love casts out fear”. And I love the story of David and Goliath-how fearless and trusting of God’s power David was. One comment I read on this story is that David didn’t see his giant (or “monster”)  as too big to deal with, instead he just saw him as a super easy target. Well, God is showing me some easy targets and we’re wading through the water together. The past year and a half for me have been about staring loss in the face and giving God the glory for all He is doing. After my rare ectopic miscarriage at 14 weeks- leading to life threatening surgery and the loss of  my husband’s job happening within months apart last year, I began a facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theliliesofthevalley?fref=ts  It’s all about TRUTH and encouragement. John 8:32 says “you shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you free.” I mentioned earlier that this movement is spirit led and “where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom” (2 Corin. 3:17) Do you have some secret places you may have forgotten about? He hasn’t. Do you want to jump in the deep end with me? Let’s have a swimming party together! During this journey a song that the Lord has placed on my heart is one by Jesus Culture called “One Thing”. In it, it  says “… I never, ever have to be a afraid because one thing remains…Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.” His love is enough. So I’m going to go ahead and trust His promises about me. I believe Marissa recently posted something along the lines of "The thing the enemy is trying to make us afraid of is indeed the very thing we must do". So, I’m just gonna go ahead and have me some kids, write me some books, be an awesome wife and lay down my insecurities because He is my Truth. When things are all said and done, I will be able to tread water on my own both spiritually and literally (I've asked my husband to help face this fear and teach me!). Knowing that my Father will always be holding my hand. I'm going to have my own pool party...in the deep end.